top of the world

My dad received a phone call today, amongst all the wedding business. He talked for a few minutes, and ended up telling the person on the phone that he has a son whom he might wish to speak with instead. After snapping at me (loud enough I'm sure the receiver picked it up,) and telling me to get the phone upstairs saying its EA, I go up and grab the phone. We talk for a bit, he describes his reason for calling and more talking, then he concludes saying he'll mail something for tomorrow or so.

Needless to say I'm still quite confused, and not sure if this is infact going anywhere, mainly because he knows only my adress and phone number, and that I work at mcdonalds and own a pc and psx. It was sure more comfortable than the previous phone conversation I had with an employer.

fourty-days

I don't think I've updated on the job situation, so I'll do that first and get it over with. He called in the afternoon, on the 27th I think. We talked for about 10 minutes, (he estimated 20 to 40 in the email), and I answered some questions quite poorly, but it could have gone worse. I seemed relatively comfortable, and got us both laughing a couple times, but I don't know if that is worth hiring a potential employee on.

Apart from that it's been all wedding this, wedding that. I'm going to be soo wiped by the time sunday afternoon comes around. (wedding on saturday, but on worship team sunday morning, so afternoon is the logical stress completion date) and why am I hearing thudding noises inside the house, its 2:00am. People are asleep.

Onto more personal matters,

"Openly Celibate"?

I stumbled upon a website Sunday night, one where I actually feel like I have something to say. It's a site for gay Christians, to come and converse and debate and just be there for one another. There are many different types of members, some pro gay-marriage, others opposed, some believe sexual intimacy for gay asociating people is ok, others do not. Basically, I am just.. thrilled that I have finally found such a place. I don't have to always feel like I need to try to explain myself to those who would not fully understand as it seems that many of the members have gone through or are currently going through exactly what I am facing as of this moment.

The creator of the site, Justin, wrote a story of his past. Although some parts of it do not apply to my life, much of it does. If you're into reading it, you can find it here: How I Came to Call Myself Gay

its still hot out.

And I'm still sweaty and tired. I hope Vancouver goes back to being non-stop rain soon... but only for a few days cause I like this whole "sun" thing. I was flipping through the channels earlier, and spotted Mr. Holland's Opus about 30minutes into the movie. 'Course I watched it, and was once again reminded about how much I love that movie and Richard Dreyfuss as an actor. Makes me all teary eyed, and then those teary eyes go and spill down my cheeks and make me feel like a twat when sis' fiancee comes in and sits on the other couch.

It was nice though, because I haven't cried for many many months... even if it was just about a movie, and all the other times I cry (unless it's from a yawn, of course).

telephonerview

I just received an email reply earlier this afternoon from one of the applications I sent in. The gentleman said he liked my application and would like to know more by holding a telephone interview. Telephone interview? eeps, I'm excited but deathly nervous at the same time. But hey, I'm not complaining, this could finally be a chance to get out of mcdonalds and actually do something productive and pay my tuition, finally get a decent computer, maybe even move out in the future.

sweeeet. I would say wish me luck, but I don't believe in luck. You can pray for me if you're into that, if not, umm you could comment and say something supportive. OR you know, just not say anything.

if only

I wish I had something worth writing about, but I don't. And yet I still felt like making an entry... because its fun! weeeeeeee!

Weather is hot, body temperature is hotter in the caused-by-hot-weather type of hot. I wish I could still draw. Kyle at sparkology can draw well. Quite well. What other random thoughts can I convert to text... Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby has a really sad music video - caught it whilst sis was watching her CMT.

So, I think I want to make another design already. More of a semi-new design, like this one was.. like a design upgrade. The header image is just too gloomy and there's no room for gloom in the summer. However: I don't have any nice beachy ocean photos on here, and I don't like using stuff I find on the net.... should I just give in and download a pic from somewhere? anyone have an opinion? do you even view the site with the prarie blue theme?

and i was like... ungh?

So here's what I don't get: why I struggle with this whole sexuality vs. religion thing so much.

Why? Mainly because my conflicting sexuality isn't a sexuality in that there's no sex involved. Society's whole concept and idea of being gay, is being sexually attracted to members of the same sex and .. performing sexual acts with those members. Seeing as how I have no interest in sexual relations with a member of the same sex, why do I feel like such a betrayer of my faith? I would have to say, at this point in time, it is because this leaves me extremely lost in considering my long-term future. In a homosexual union of sorts, there would be no proper offspring to raise and teach and learn from, and no further generations from that. In a heterosexual marriage, such a family would most definitely occur, but at what cost to the mental well being of my wife and myself?

prairieblue

Who says that just because I only made the previous design a little over a week ago I cant redesign it? No one. That's why I redesigned it. Designing makes my brain feel better, especially when mixed with a nice dose of chopin (even when it means I don't go to bed till sunrise). Expect redesigns to come frequently... but hopefully not this frequently.. I just felt that the first design was too.. not me, and I didn't see why I had photography & design in the title anyway. That also wasn't my photo and I like to use my own photos in my designs.

A reminder, if you don't like this new design, change it back to how it was by selecting "heavenly" on the menu at the right under the heading Stylesheets.

mcsigh

I'm supposed to be leaving to go to McWork right now, but I don't feel like it just yet. So instead I shall post. I simply need to say that I'm tired; tired of thinking, tired of sleeping, tired of ... trying to live. Now don't get me wrong, the last thing I would ever do is go and kill myself or somethin, and I'm not a drinker or a druggie or a sex addict so I can't even go and destroy my body that way. The way I destroy my body is with my mind. For the last week or so I haven't been able to fall asleep until around 4AM, even if I get into bed at 11pm. My brain will not quit.

Yesterday my mom tried to convince me to go to a bbq the youth pastor was putting on for the youth (im 20: not so much a youth). I said I didn't want to, sisters came home so I now had a ride to get there, so she made me go with them saying I need to get a life (in the nice here, im trying to help you, sort of way.)

The thing she doesn't understand is that I have a life, and I have many friends that I cannot see because she doesn't like me on the bus going out to vancouver.... so I sit in my room and therefore do not have a life. I don't know how to resolve it, and it is ruining the friendships I do have.

straight signals?

Found this after surfing from blog to blog. I remember reading a good article on the rules of IM or something of the sort, but hadn't seen the site since that. Methinks I'll visit more frequently.

This is the dismal magic of the Straight Sign. It's a way of saying, "Dude, I'm not gay. I'm not putting the moves on you." This is the card that inevitably must be thrown on the table to indemnify all future conversation against perceptions of sexual interest. Most urban straight men thrust up against one another are unable to proceed very far without it: this mutual absolution, this flipping out of a badge, this secret handshake.

careerification

I finally have an online portfolio that will display everything I've done in the past. Don't think this was an easy feat - I have about 6 years of work on 3 different computers that all needed to come together somehow and look good... but I ended up doing it (not all of the portfolio pieces are up yet, but the site works). If you haven't already found it, it's the main domain of this - robertwesley.com. Now. One thing that is something of interest, is that I created this blog so I could be as random as I could (considering how I used my name as the domain,) and now I'm going to be holding a professional portfolio right next to this? I will no doubt have to have contact information on the portfolio, effectively erasing any anonymity at all if the viewers of this blog go to that portfolio.

nope, not working

That post didn't really work. I almost want to delete it due to its.. uselessness, but I'm not going to cause you can just not read it if you dont want to read it. I've been really bored lately. Really as in wow, i'm really bored type of bored. The last time I got out of the house for something not work-related or church/family related, was at least a month ago... meaning the last time I saw any friends was over a month ago, and it's just really draining on me. Particularily because at home the mom always finds things for me to do, and plans my days for me ahead of time without telling me till I'm awoken by a frustrated figure annoyed that I didn't wake up earlier to do what I didn't even know I had to do.

Tomorrow's yesterday

I feel like writing something nice and long to make me feel good, but I just don't know what to say. In a big way, I created this blog in the hopes that I could finally find people with similar situations as mine, and people I could talk to about the things I have talked about on here. As I think I mentioned in one of the early posts, I didn't want it to become a grocery list of what I did today or yesterday or the day before that... but I do need to add some sort of daily happenings in order to make this thing not so haadkohh. Anyway, I won't be giving daily events in this post. hehe.

Well, except to say that I've reworked the design a bit, added some features to the side menu, added my blog to some directories, and just been havin some fun with it (like the playing live deal i've got goin on over there. you'll usually see some sort of country song or dance/oldies radio station, as thats really all i'm listening to lately.)

I'm going to pick up where I left off on establishment in order to keep some sort of continuity goin here. (I'll try to keep things chronological from now on and not jump around through time)

vancouver fog

I'm trying to figure out how I can get a photo gallery embedded into this blog without the use of photo editing perl modules or highly customized movable type stuff.. and it's not really working. There's probably a plugin I should download... so ima get right on that.

#edit, i've decided against incorporating fotos into this site. I'll just keep the home domain as the folio and foto area and this can stay textual. Also, thanks to a link apart, I have added the ability to switch styles for the site (comes in useful for those of you using not firefox - so you can actually view the site relatively normal, without seeing the layout all thrown around like it got broken into during the night.

finally something to look at

I finally got around to giving the site a design. Firstly, sorry if you use internetExplorer as your web browser, because the design won't look like it's supposed to. I'd recommend Mozilla Firefox; it actually presents sites as they're supposed to look = good. ie = bad. The design is somewhat based off another site I have come to look up to (such clean coding) but I created all the images and wrote all the code m'self so I'm proud. I also made myself get completely into CSS, meaning next time I do a redesign I will still be able to view the site exactly how it is now simply by putting up the old stylesheet = niceness. Along with my new styleducation, I taught myself how to use dreamweaver and all that. I had always used frontpage just because.. I liked tables, and frontpage was easy on the resources and quick to do what I wanted it to do - I couldn't stand dreamweaver for its unneeded complexity BUT for css, wow its perfect.

Now. I should be going to sleep because I have to work all day tomorrow, but posting is fun now that I have a design on it (and now that I know someone actually reads what I write, yey I have a reader ;P). I feel slightly more held back than I did previously because as I was trying to get the design working I gave the link to my test page to a friend, and didnt realise until later that it still showed the subdomain... smrt = me. I'll try though.

nerdigeek3.0

haha so I feel like a crazy person looking back at the posts I've made so far. But you know what? It's my blog, not yours. You don't like it? Tough, don't read it :P

I met Paul and Liz Brandt on Monday after he performed a couple songs at a promotional thing at my dad's work. It was definately the highlight of the week, and the summer so far... they're both such down to earth people; able to carry a real conversation with complete strangers and not make us feel like crazy fans or whatnot. New role model? i think so.

I'm still also trying to get a new job - although apparently not trying hard enough (so I haven't given out any resumes or applications, whats your point). I'm gonna try to work on my portfolio today and hopefully have something finished by the end of the week so I can finally rid myself of my mcjob before sis' wedding at the end of july... which would give me a month to make money for tuition. hmm. It'll work!

establishment

I think I already want to start getting less formal with this journal. It scares me when I look at what I wrote in that previous post simply because it is so formal and proper. i aint perfektly formal so i dont wanna act like it all the time. (it is fun every now and then, however, to confirm my belief that I do have a little class and cultural abilities.)

I intend to continue on with the last post throughout the period of time that I post on here so there's no need to rush back into the deep stuff quite yet. I want to blab a little bit more (blab as opposed to whine and complain which equals content of my previous blog) on me, myself, and that guy in the corner. And wouldn't you know it, I wasted all my energy on the build-up that I can't even remember what I was going to say... almost.

I constantly find myself trying to reach a place of maturity where I can begin to adequately question my surroundings and place in time; all hippy-like but without the green vacations on the clouds. I have always considered myself too mature for my age, but then I want to disregard that thought because someone who is properly mature wouldn't question his maturity.... right? bleh. I'm just sad that I was never able to have the average youth and childhood. I never went out to parties or snuck out of the house at night or blatantly disobeyed my parents. I don't have stories to tell of the time I.. did anything remotely interesting. My two years of university have so far been filled with extreme boredom and it's certainly no help that I attend a technical university in a shopping mall, where social activity is defined as the process of fragging oneanother over the lan.

manifestation

I have just been thinking how interesting it is starting out a new journal. There is no history, no information or context to put the content into. All there is, is this: Exactly what you are reading right now. It is what sets the tone and the mood for everything to come. As I type this I am building a context for myself, as well as a background and a memory. This is what makes the internet so much fun... if i wanted to, I could simply link to another site of mine that would provide a great amount of context to put all of the following posts into and everyone would be all fine and dandy. But I don't want to; I'd rather start out fresh and new.. something I've never really been able to do in real life or online (there have always been people that have followed with me). Regardless, this is where it begins.

And so, I feel I should start by introducing the topic this journal will most likely focus on for a long time to come...: homosexuality. THE GAYS as some members of the family like to refer to this group of people. My initial and relatively unresearched view on the issue is as follows: partially genetic, partially social/cultural with more emphasis on the latter. It greatly discourages me when extremists from either side of the subject completely disregard any credibility of the other. Fundamentally I cannot fully agree with the pro-gay or anti-gay lobbyists.... because I am unable to accurately apply it to my own life. For a long time I speculated and feared my sexuality (note, don't like the word.).