and i was like... ungh?

So here's what I don't get: why I struggle with this whole sexuality vs. religion thing so much.

Why? Mainly because my conflicting sexuality isn't a sexuality in that there's no sex involved. Society's whole concept and idea of being gay, is being sexually attracted to members of the same sex and .. performing sexual acts with those members. Seeing as how I have no interest in sexual relations with a member of the same sex, why do I feel like such a betrayer of my faith? I would have to say, at this point in time, it is because this leaves me extremely lost in considering my long-term future. In a homosexual union of sorts, there would be no proper offspring to raise and teach and learn from, and no further generations from that. In a heterosexual marriage, such a family would most definitely occur, but at what cost to the mental well being of my wife and myself?

I found an interesting quote on a very interesting blog the other day. It read as follows; from Finding Your Religion by Scotty McLennan:

By the end of the summer I had decided I wanted to become a Hindu. On the morning I approached the priest with my request, he took me to sit with him in the front room on a Persian rug. The rain was coming down in sheets and banged loudly against the roof. I was stunned by his response. "No, no!" he chided. "You've missed the point of everything I've taught you. You've grown up as a Christian and you know a lot about that path. It's the religion of your family and your culture. You know almost nothing of Hinduism. Go back and be the best Christian you can be."

I remember how the rain against the roof seemed to rattle my brain. I was upset. "But I don't believe Jesus was any more divine than Krishna or the Buddha." I pleaded. "And Christians would condemn you for knowing about Jesus and not accepting him uniquely as your Lord and Savior." His response was simple: "Then go back and find a way to be an open, nonexclusive Christian, following in Jesus' footsteps yourself, but appreciating others' journeys on their own paths." The more I could learn about others' paths, he explained, the more it would help me to progress along my own and deepen my understanding of it. Those words have remained my marching orders for life.

Hard rain always reminds me when I forget.

Now. It's not that I'm trying to convert to another religion, but this agrees with many points I have come to over the past year or so that I've been critically thinking about my life. Namely that of "You've grown up as a Christian and you know a lot about that path. It's the religion of your family and your culture. You know almost nothing of Hinduism. Go back and be the best Christian you can be." In questioning how most religions claim they are the one and only religion, it is only logical that there would be some way to distinguish which is the true religion for every individual. To an extent I believe that the Christianity I'm apart of is my truth because, as he says, it is the religion of my family and my culture. If I were to go and convert to another religion, I would be moving away from what I know is right, and deceiving myself into believing in something that I know is false. To the followers of that other religion, however, they have done no wrong by considering it their true religion because it is the one they were brought up with.

I just found it interesting to finally see that someone else thinks similarly to me at least in some respects.

Ok, so you know my opinion on religion - what does that have to do with sexuality? Everything. Homosexuality is just like it's own religion, with its gods and sacred texts or figures... or videos... It is slightly different in the regard that so many people are finding ways to mix it with their pre-existing religion (such as Christians accepting the fact that they're gay, and finding ways to prove their lifestyle is accepted by Him). I'll save that discussion for another post, but here is where I go back to where I started this post, with the fact that my personal definition of homosexuality is ... maybe... perfectly acceptable and compatible with my faith. I do not "lie with a man as one lies with a woman," (Leviticus 18:22), the following is false for me: "the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another" (Romans 1:27). (the sermon on Sunday was on "how to be Christ-follower in a same-sex marriage world - I don't usually (read: ever) look up scriptures just for evidence). Basically, the only thing I wouldn't be following if I were to embark in a future with another man, is the lack of being united in marriage with a wife and raising a family... family being what I define as somewhat of the meaning of life....

And that is where I am stumped. Family.... nonsexual relationship with another man.... family.... nonsexual relationship with another man....

I don't devirginize my eyes by watching pr0n, and I don't want to have things put where those things weren't meant to be put;

I simply want someone to hold me tight in his arms and tell me everything is going to be ok, and believe him.