manifestation

I have just been thinking how interesting it is starting out a new journal. There is no history, no information or context to put the content into. All there is, is this: Exactly what you are reading right now. It is what sets the tone and the mood for everything to come. As I type this I am building a context for myself, as well as a background and a memory. This is what makes the internet so much fun... if i wanted to, I could simply link to another site of mine that would provide a great amount of context to put all of the following posts into and everyone would be all fine and dandy. But I don't want to; I'd rather start out fresh and new.. something I've never really been able to do in real life or online (there have always been people that have followed with me). Regardless, this is where it begins.

And so, I feel I should start by introducing the topic this journal will most likely focus on for a long time to come...: homosexuality. THE GAYS as some members of the family like to refer to this group of people. My initial and relatively unresearched view on the issue is as follows: partially genetic, partially social/cultural with more emphasis on the latter. It greatly discourages me when extremists from either side of the subject completely disregard any credibility of the other. Fundamentally I cannot fully agree with the pro-gay or anti-gay lobbyists.... because I am unable to accurately apply it to my own life. For a long time I speculated and feared my sexuality (note, don't like the word.).

I was never one of the popular kids in school, but after about grade 3 I really started to notice as much, and it became more and more evident as the years progressed and we all moved to highschool... at which point a number of fellow students enjoyed name calling at a few other individuals, myself included. This almost entirely faded away by the time I graduated but for 1 troubled immature boy who felt the need to always call me gay and give me a little nudge in one direction or the other. I was scared because I didn't want it to be a reality; being gay. What would it mean for my spirituality? Hardcore Christian since birth, there was no way I would be accepted for being gay by my family, my church, or even myself. This is why I refused to realistically consider or confront the issue...... until it presented itself to me in my first year of university.

It's not something I'll go into, except to say that I made a friend who allowed me to open up to him and share the thoughts and feelings that were held in for years and years. I still feel like I put a lot of pressure on him for all those late night msn session and emails, but we're still friends so I guess it was ok.

My core stance on the issue, for myself, is this:

My homosexuality is indeed something I was born with, but was spurred on by a disassociation from my father (a point countless other sources try to argue, and oen I am currently playing with). He has had a heart condition since he was a teenager and is thus unable to do much if any physical activity (walking for anything longer than 5 minutes exhausts him completely). We was never able to play catch with me or go for bike rides; he never coached a soccer team or drove me to early morning hockey practices. I have no brothers, only 3 sisters, and so I naturally grew up uninterested in sports myself. He operated his own business for the most of my childhood and adolescent years - the later years caused countless struggles for the family as the business ended up dying away and the resources became less and less for living; the lowest point saw us on welfare for a time, of course this was not something I told my friends.

Without having much of a manly role model, I grew up unable to relate to him and I suppose unable to know what it was like to be very close and comfortable with another man. I have read a few articles that describe this as one of the precursers to a homosexual lifestyle - looking for that fatherly figure in other gay men; none of whom will ever meet the expectations that the father can if they give him a chance (which is why, they believe, so many gay men go in and out of relationships so frequently).

With this in mind, I strugged for a time after talking with the friend from university. He opened up a world of new things to me - people that I could be comfortable with and be able to relate to. I would no longer have to worry about neither my voice nor my feelings and thoughts. I could share them with those around me and know that I would be accepted. Which brings me to issue number 2. (number one being the father):

Acceptance is hugely misunderstood. These potentially gay boys grow up knowing they are somehow different, but it doesnt solidify until they meet someone they can relate to - someone who accepts them as who they are or who they could be. Who wouldn't desire automatic acceptance such as this? The ability to finally be someone who is appreciated and feels mentally content. Like I mentioned earlier, I was not popular. I had 2 friends by the time I graduated from highschool, neither of which I could ever really talk to or ask how he was doing and receive a real answer. Sure there were all the at-school friends, but I would never see them outside of the halls and classrooms except for school functions. When I was introduced to the gay community there were all of a sudden all these people that were there to accept me and ask me how I was doing and really want an answer: People who finally cared about me.

I could probably go on and on and on and on, but I think that's enough to take in for one post. The next will come in a day or so.