Tomorrow's yesterday

I feel like writing something nice and long to make me feel good, but I just don't know what to say. In a big way, I created this blog in the hopes that I could finally find people with similar situations as mine, and people I could talk to about the things I have talked about on here. As I think I mentioned in one of the early posts, I didn't want it to become a grocery list of what I did today or yesterday or the day before that... but I do need to add some sort of daily happenings in order to make this thing not so haadkohh. Anyway, I won't be giving daily events in this post. hehe.

Well, except to say that I've reworked the design a bit, added some features to the side menu, added my blog to some directories, and just been havin some fun with it (like the playing live deal i've got goin on over there. you'll usually see some sort of country song or dance/oldies radio station, as thats really all i'm listening to lately.)

I'm going to pick up where I left off on establishment in order to keep some sort of continuity goin here. (I'll try to keep things chronological from now on and not jump around through time)

Remember that friend from university, the one with whom I first openly talked about homosexuality and how it applied to me. For the sake of easier reading, let's name him john. So john and I had many, many late night msn conversations that left my body shaking from.. well, from telling him things i'd never told anyone in my previous 19 years of life. He soon after introduced me to the world of online profiles. At first I was very skeptical about the use of such a thing - besides, I greatly disliked my physical appearance and therefore hated photos of myself. I was also very cautious about what information I gave out on the internet (never had my full name listed anywhere, a photo, address, anything of that sort.) Regardless, i outgrew that and made the profile and made many, many gay inter-friends (friends i only talk to online). I felt this was good for me because I was no longer forced to bottling up my feelings and questions. Instead I was able to, like I mentioned before, find some form of acceptance and just someone to talk to about topics I couldn't bring up in the physical world.

Anyway, time went on and I met a few of those interfriends in real life...and for the most part i'm still friends with them (albeit one who decided he would rather try and get to know me a little more.. intimately.... note the word try.) It came to the point that I couldn't go a day without checking for new messages at least 5 or 6 times (a day, remember) so I ended up clearing out the profile. Also, through this time, I had become accustomed to taking digital photos of myself with my sis' webcam (my face, im no camwhore.) and decided that i wasn't hideously ugly, and could have potential for future almost nonugly looks if I worked at it.

Maybe 5 months went by, and the spring semester ended, and I was bored, so I made a new profile because I had felt I learned more about myself that I was no longer the same person. Again, 2 months later I deleted it due to obsession.. and deleted it for good. Online profiles have no place in my life anymore. If I want to meet random people in the future, I'll say hi to someone on the sidewalk.

I have no idea where I was going with this.... I just like rambling I guess. Ok no wait, I know. Out of all of the many, many many, many, people I carried message conversations with (I saved every single message sent and received on my computer - stalkerish, yes, but also made conversations easier because the sites had no automatic archiving - this way i could remember what was said.) However. Out of everyone I talked to on there, I did not find so many as one individual who I could very closeley relate to: christianity and sexual confusion responsibly mixed together isn't very common.

I feel like this post was a waste. I don't feel any better than I did prior to writing it. If anything, I feel worse because it has brought my mind back to the days of waking up and rushing to the computer to see if any hot new internet geek messaged me. I guess I could finish it off by saying that the experience left me much more self-centered than before; keeping in mind that it can barely be called self-centeredness in that situation.