communication card

I had a startling feeling last night while attempting to fall asleep: The world as it was seemed nothing but a front to something much greater than I could fathom. the physical visualizations around me felt entirely intangible. It was quite a matrix moment, and I didn't totally understand it. It felt like a severe depression had at last won the battle in my mind and was beginning to affect my other senses. I was simply and completely alone in the decaying mirage surrounding me.

My mom had been planning on letting me choose the events for one day, being today, which would act as the make-up to my neglected summer. I had no suggestions - the concept of fun was beyond my grasp and I could think of absolutely nothing that would be an enjoyeable way to spend a day (or evening, as it is becoming, as chores take up more and more of the day)

The one thing, that I could think of, was to cuddle with the man I have not yet met, and just enjoy being in the presence of one who is equally enjoying mine. I need companionship; I require friends. Due to my extreme caution towards disobeying my parents, I have become weary to so much as hang out with friends they don't know. This means any of the possible friendship I may have had in the past are gone. I now have one (1) friend I talk to on a semi-regular basis, and see in person no more than once or twice a month. And still, I feel like I must tell uncomplete truths about where I'm going and who I'm going to see when I do see him. The parents don't like me going out into the city, nor do they want to accept the fact that I may have (or have had) a number of friends of whom they have no knowldedge of. The majority of those, I do not wish to inform them because I know it will create more problems than are already present. If Jesus could hang out with sinners and tax collectors, why can't I?

It is just a game, this life, where everything is for show. I want to break it down. I want to see what i know exists beneath it all. For once I want to wake up feeling rested and eager to see what the day has in store. I want to no longer be afraid to say what I want!