hundred mile

We arrived home from 100 mile house at around 3am (went for cous' wedding, and then detoured to see an aunt and uncle who had totalled their van in an accident outisde of kamloops - both are doing relatively fine for those wondering). Apart from driving in it, I love the BC landscape. If I could marry a province, this would be it. It's just so diverse - the dense forests and mountain lakes, the broad, grassy planes and windswept hills, the frozen glacial pathways further north, British Columbia is "the best place on earth."

The wedding was amazing. My cousin and his bride make the most adorable couple I know, and their love for eachother is immense and immediately noticeable. I felt blessed just being there. That feeling would turn into despair as the weekend went on and I realized that I would probably never be able to experience such an event in my life.

I also felt, as time went on, guilt for not being a good enough brother to my older sister who was wed 3 weeks ago. I do not see that kind of visible love in their union, and at times I see the opposite. I know I shouldn't discuss it on here because it is not my business to share with the world, but I need to tell someone. One night after he had left to go to bed, a number of the married cousins were sitting laughing and discussing random things - I don't know what exactly, I wasn't listening. Instead I was watching my sister, and her reaction. I could see it in her eyes. She wanted him to be there and to enjoy being a part of the party. She wanted to be like the other couples, one with eachother, and sharing in the carefree bit of bonding with their partner and their siblings/cousins. Instead she was alone, hubbie fast asleep in a cabin some hundred feet away. She was surrounded by people, but so completely alone.

When she said she'd better head off to bed, I stayed. I wanted to go give her a hug and walk her back, but I didn't. I suppose it was because I knew I had seen something in her eyes that she did not want me to know, and therefore felt it would not be my place to comfort her on a matter which she will never admit requires any comforting at all.

I stayed, and played cards until 3am or so.

Once more Aaron has posted a very relevant summary of thoughts on his blog, in his post, to my husband. Go read it if you wish as it is pretty much how I am feeling. The older I grow, the harder I find these weddings to be. It doesn't help that I am now the second oldest in my grandparents' family tree that has yet to marry; the oldest having found the girlfriend that I don't doubt will become his wife. People my age are now coming to the point where marriage is a posibility. Three of my friends from school and work and getting married this autumn.

But I am in no rush. As much as I want to be, I am not, and I cannot.

At least now I don't doubt that there may be a bride (n. the object of love and affection) out there for me, and the dreaded life-long celibacy may not be as applicable a thing as I once thought. If you have a little time today, read
A Letter to Louise. It may provide some much needed insight into today's church and sexual orientation.