impatiently waiting

I'm tired. I'm sure I've posted about my regular fatigue and slight depression, but if not here's a brief overview:

Every couple weeks I seem to trip into my other self. It is usually sparked by something job or family-related. This time it seems to be a mixture of the realization that my 2nd of 3 sisters has been married and I am the next child on the list, and of my mom snapping at me for not immediately understanding and doing everything she says. It seems I'm not allowed to ask for clarification on one of her commands. ie. "now get one of the nice chairs and put it back on the lawn." (would nice chair be one for the yard table set, or one of the new, comfortable lawn chairs? apparently i should know.)

All I need is for the mother or father figure to say to me: "Robert, thank you for always doing what we ask of you. We appreciate you." And then you know, while they're at it, they could throw in a "And we have noticed that while everyone else in the family has had some form of vacation this summer, including we parent-folk, you have not. Here, find some of your friends whom we don't know and probably don't approve of, and enjoy this trip to [europe/australia/LA/new york/anywhere other than BC]." We all know that will happen very, very soon*, and there will be much rejoicing. *note - soon most likely refers to the time I have enough money to pay for it myself.

So here I go again. I have no appetite: a mixture of simply not wanting to be around people, who happen to be in the same part of the house as the food; not very much edible food to be found in the first place; and I simply don't feel like eating. I probably have some sort of disorder regarding eating, along with all my other countless probably disorders, but screw you I'll fast whenever I so choose.

One of the employers finally sent an email, saying that although they liked my resume and skills, they were going to follow the applicants with more applicable experience (read: recall, he: "how long do you think you would be working here?" me: "oh at least a year, ......... or as long as I find validation and am needed..." he think=haha byebye.)

McDonalds simply does not provide the earnings I require in order to move out. I have demonstrated that I would sooner stop eating than stay here for much longer, so a new job is crucial to my health. (i like my way of rationalizing, don't you?)

I'm also wondering something. Could it be considered, in God's eyes, suicide if one has a disease or illness but does nothing to try to cure it? I have no idea if I do or not, as the last time I saw a doctor was about 10 years ago... But I often wish I could be afflicted with such a thing. I've seen what there is to see in this world, and have found that I do not like the far majority of it. I even went so far as to pray, last night while trying to fall asleep, that I would not wake in the morning, and concluded with a pathetic effort to make myself cry.

Hi, I'm Robert and I'm pathetic and selfish.

And here I sit. At the computer, with a refresh rate slow enough to cause permanent blindness in a matter of minutes, listening to the chatter downstairs, and drowning it out with the orchestral film scores of Cinemascape.

But I will keep on doing what I do. My brain will right itself and I will once again feel like things are going to be ok. Then it will turn on itself and this all too familiar feeling will find its way back in.

Sometimes we all just need someone to talk to: even if the someone is many random people who know nothing more about me than what these words divulge, and can offer neither a solution, nor a hug or a patt on the back.

Good day, my friends.