meant to be

I've concluded that things are meant to be difficult: even easy things. If they're easy, you're not doing them right. Like living.... (and now we all see where I'm going with that.) I just finished watching Larry King's interview with Joni Eareckson Tada, and it made me mentally smack myself upside the head for being so selfish and self....loathing these past few days. It's difficult trying to deal with the whole gay issue, while trying to maintain a Jesus-like life at the same time.

In response to some of the comments on the previous post; yes I have tried asking for help, though not in these areas. I don't like feeling like I have to ask for appreciation from my parents. If they don't outright provide it, I feel it's not my place to ask for it.

Back to Joni, her interview made me, first of all, ashamed for that whole praying to not wake up thing. Who am I to try and ask for such a thing? yeesh. Secondly, I need to concentrate my struggles and use them to help people, including myself. Gotta keep watching out for friends who need someone to talk to and the like. For the family context, I need to keep doing what I do without any recognition at all. I mean, why should I need someone to tell me I'm doing a good job when I already know I am. I need to focus on doing better rather than focusing on gaining appreciation. It will come at a time when myself, or someone else, really needs to hear it.

In the same way, I tried the going for physical closeness thing for a short while instead of waiting for it to come. I'd hug my mom when I knew she was feeling cruddy, and it made us both feel better. On the rare occasions when I let her know I'm feeling horrid, there is always another matter more pressing that must be taken care of and I am quickly forgotten. This house is busy; I've learned to deal with it - at the expense to my social wellness? maybe. I don't know. But again, I can't go around asking people for hugs.

A big thing that I liked about what Joni had to say, was when Larry asked her for advice on people just brought into similar situations (life-altering disability etc.), without God. After a bit of thinking she concluded that we need friends who will be there for us to bring us through the hard times. Many things are impossible to do alone, and this has always been a difficult lesson for me to learn.... I just don't like having to depend on others, be they friends, or family, or other. It also complicates things when I know my family doesn't approve of the majority of my friends, partly because they've never met them (because I know that would never go over well no matter how much I prepare), and partly because a part of them knows that I'm different than their other children. I am facing and will face different struggles than them, and will need just the same support, but so much more trust: of which I haven't found a speck.

As we were pulling up to work to drop me off, parents, sisters, grandparents, 2 sets of aunt and uncle and a cousin were going for dinner at my favorite restaurant downtown, the conversation quickly went to how my youngest sister should try to stay in residence sometime during her university education. For at least a year I have commented about moving out and it has only met some mix between guilt, frustration, and anger for not having provided a more "normal" home-life. So I worked, walked home in the dark, had a shower, and sat and listened to music for the remaining 2 hours before they returned home, only to complain about eating too much.

I love you too.

(in the as-much-as-i-want-it-to-be-sarcastic, it really isn't, type of way.)