September 06, 2004
realization
As I went to sleep last night, I realized something about this blog. It is on the way to becoming another source to vent and complain: Exactly what I didn't want it to be. I had other blogs before, but I ditched them in order to start new and fresh and actually write decent, thoughtful posts. I may have had some on here, but I don't know just how many. I suppose it would help if I had things to write about... I don't like writing about politics or overly debatable subjects because I want to be as neutral as possible.
<< filler | Main | jelly >> 12:47 PM by RobDo I really always worry about everything the world tells me I should be? I don't think so. I take into consideration the perspective of the world and culture around me, and try to figure out how I fit into it. I can't be the man I was meant to be because I don't know who that man is. Sometimes I think I do, but I don't go for it; there would be a tremendous amount of work and self-sacrifice involved.
As I told someone a few days ago, if I had to give up being my definition of gay or being a christian, it would definately be being gay. He took the other alternative in the past but soon realized he couldn't live without God. Where am I going with this? As usual I have no concrete idea. I do know that I need to find a new job where I'll be able to make enough to move out. I can't quit school unless I want to mess up my future, and I can't keep living here for too much longer unless I want to develop a real mental disorder. I require a supportive atmosphere where I don't have to always watch what I say or do. Even if it means living by myself - at least I'll be able to figure out exactly who I'm meant to be.
I can't wait to see Garden State. I've been listening to the soundtrack for the past couple days; it's so nice and mellow and good. Frou Frou - Let Go is one of the great songs on it. Go get it.
I read about a zillion blogs a day in my job. The ones I enjoy the most centre aroudn the every day lives of real people. There are a squillion pundits clogging the blogosphere with alpha-male pontifications and Faux News regurgitations. Stick to what you know and love and enjoy. Quality over quantity, my friend :)
I for one am very interested in the life of a gay Christian in Canada.
Posted by: mikeyinbarcelona at September 6, 2004 12:41 PMi use my blog to write ramndom thoughts and whats going on in my day. sometimes i read other blogs, which i do everyday and if a friend named Yoel writed more in his memoirs, i write about mine.
i know of your struggle if i had to give something up, it would not be my Christianity either. i cant live w/o God.
Moving: ah you're considering your move out into your own world. thats a big decision. One i did not take lightly myself, but i DID make many mistakes in the beginning. so be sure where you are going and what you will do with your self, your new home, and THINK about the life you want to live and WHO you want in that life with you.
Everything you say hee is important, so dont stop blogging cause you thing you complain too much. you need some forum to work out your life issues. and i read every day. and at 37 and being (hiv+) for 13 years i do have some wisdom and i have learned a few things too. maybe you'll ask some more questions and i'll try and help you from what i know.
it seems you are coming towards a crossroads. I suggest you step wisely from here on out. minding the path GOD has set for you. Seek wisdom in that faith and path. Listen to you GUT. a new lesson that ive learned lately. as you grow older you'll learn these lessons from yourself.
remember LIFE is all about the journey. its not the endpoint that is important, but who you meet on the way, and what lessons come to you while on the journey.
dont take yourself so seriously. relax and enjoy your life, friends and fellowship. that is your saving grace, not to mention GOD.
Ask HIM in your morning meditation what you can do for others, the answers will come if your own house is in order. See to that your relationship with HIM is right and good things will come to pass....
wishing you peace and hope.
Jeremy
see this was a productive blog entry for you.
Posted by: jeremy at September 6, 2004 01:16 PMi like pie!
Posted by: rod at September 6, 2004 01:30 PMHey I would take endless bitching over those people who only post the most sappy crap about being gay or whatnot.
And I personaly would (did) give up being a Christian- although it has nothing to do with sex.
Posted by: Bingo at September 7, 2004 11:46 AMi don think its giving something up. its finding a balance for yourself, determining where some christian beliefs are no longer valid. discovering where gay culture is too obsessive and not partaking in it. there is no line of what you must do and to what side of the line you have to be in. having known you for a brief amount of time i know youve struggled with having only one life and hiding that other side to all but a few who have no connection to where you are. to me i can be a brother, a student, a child of God, a homosexual, and that is my life. having accepted that i may not have chosen to be gay but that i am helped me move on and share the joy and laughter, as corrupted as it may be, with people i love. i find that God will judge me on how i live my life and how ive loved and been loved by those around me. he may not condone who i love but it is still love. pure love.
Posted by: rod at September 7, 2004 05:51 PM