shadow waltz

I'm not doing well today. It could be because I'm still drained from the nonstop projecting the last half of last week, and the seemingly wasted day I had yesterday after class. Most likely, I'm back to wanting to get away from this school. It's different this time, however. It's not just the usual "i'm tired of computers and teamwork and want to learn about brains," it's just... different.

I don't know how else to describe it. I can start by saying that I have a large project due tomorrow by 11am that I have yet to start and am still unclear about the specifications, and that tomorrow I will be at church from 8:00am-1:30pm, and then I have assignments for another class to have completed before working from 4pm-11pm. The thing that bugs me the most about this, is that tomorrow is the mom's birthday. Happy birthday to her; have fun not seeing your son all day.. and not receving as much as a card from him because he's too cheap.

I'm listening to some more cinemascape internet radio, and the sun is shining through the trees, gently swaying back and forth to mix up the shadows in my room. It makes me want to go live in one of those picturesque neighbourhoods where the century-old trees line the streets, on which bronzed leaves take residence on the outside edges. The kind of neighbourhood you see in those happy family movies. I'm not sure why I'm talking about it so much, although I suppose it could be because that's where I want to be right now. Maybe just walking my dog down the sidewalk, smiling at passing not-quite-strangers, returning home to be greeting with a warm hug and some hot chocolate...

Sure, I say it over and over, but I don't want to keep being "educated" at this institution. I want to sit in big lecture halls and be a number, and take notes from a professor who may never know my name. To go sit in a park and read a book, reflecting on how it's subject applies to the course direction. I want to take music classes so I can finally have a class where I don't have to think about anything technical or overly conceptual, and just enjoy it.

You say, "but robert, why can't you just take those classes at another campus of the school you already attend?"

Because this university had it's opportunity to impress me. It failed miserably. First it came and destroyed the near-utopian university that was developing fine until the government became too cheap, then it pretended like that university was still alive, by making it a mask for the media to admire when the face beneath was decaying and in desperate need of medical attention. Finally, it seems to focus on the importance of research over the education of the students in it's attendence. I don't need that.

"but robert, what if after a semester at another school you decide it isn't right for you either?"

It will be. If not, at least I have more options of programs to look into.

I have also been questioning whether or not a 15" powerbook would be an appropriate computing choice for me. That's around $2700 (cdn) with the student discount and taxes, that could be put to many, many other uses. If I were to buy a comparible desktop PC and monitor, it would probably top out at $1200 leaving much room for... wondering what people usually buy when they have money. (Whenever I had any money in the past, it just went straight to paying for tuition. No remainder.) $2700 is a lot of money. Heck, $270 is a lot of money to me.

I think I must be lonely. Even with I am with people I feel alone. I know some of them sense it, and try to make up for it. There's no way to make up for it.

Oh I'm so lost. I think it's time to lay on my floor for a while, screw myself over for this project, and just enjoy the sun penetrating into my eyes.