reach for you

I'm exhausted. I worked late Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday; Wednesday I rushed out to church right after work to set up for the weekend, and then I was at the church from Friday noonish till late Saturday night, returning early this morning to practice and all. And now I prepare for another 6 days of waking up at 6:45 and not getting home till 10:30.

<< goldenly retrieved | Main | twenty-one >> 11:01 PM by Rob

It was an awesome weekend. Our youth pastor began planning this retreat in about March, and I think about 150 youth ended up attending. His friends and his brother from back east, Esoteric (to the guy who followed the referral chain back to check out my site, i'd love to know what you think of it), came out to play some worship tunes Friday and Saturday afternoons, and rock out a bit more Saturday night for the concert.

In total, I had about 3 hours of terribly cold and uncomfortable sleep, and maybe an hour of sitting. The rest of the weekend was spend running around moving furniture, reorganizing chairs in the main room, participating in the events, etc. Needless to say, standing hasn't been easy today (don't even bother asking about walking).

But it was soo worth it. And it's led me to a number of conclusions (I like concluding things).

1. I will not use the computer nearly as much as I did in the past. If I don't have a specific job or project to work on, I will not touch it. This affects number 2;

2. Which concerns the blog. I will update. Just very infrequently. Confiding in y'all has not been completely wasted, so if my last post seemed like that's what I meant, disregard it. This then defines number 3;

3. As much as I want to work problems out on my own, I can't. I must begin to trust and rely on other people. The greatest challenge will come when I choose to bring that certain issue to the surface, which I do intend to do when the correct opportunity presents itself, and when I have gathered appropriate materials to discuss. If I want to have any sort of peace with it, I need to let people give input on my struggles. What I don't need are people to tell me how to respond to my struggles. That is called not helping.

4. I will continue to work for this company until the end of this contract, in order to make enough money to attend that private Christian university, twu that my 3 sisters attend(ed). I have wanted to since high school, but at $14,000 cdn a year, I couldn't put any faith in believing I could find the money.

The whole reason I "took a break" from my previous education plan was because I knew I had to be at TWU. I told myself after each semester, that the next would get worse, and I would be further burdened by technology and other turmoil. I was right.

And now I'm stuck in a job that decays my very soul every minute I spend there. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I read my bible, and I sleep. It doesn't work for me. However: I am not a quitter. I was given this contract and I accepted, and I will run it out, and I will make money to enjoy life and enjoy God once it has concluded.

5. Most probably the least likeable of my conclusions by some of you, number 5, refers to that which you define yourself most simply. I am good. I am responsible. I have done nothing out of the ordinary by the standards of all those around me. I want to keep it that way. I don't mean going and registering in some shallow ex-gay ministry or similar program. I simply want to refocus my thoughts and, as mentioned in number 3, ask for help. If you know me at all, you know I don't have much to refocus - I simply want to ensure that I don't let myself go without my knowing it.

I don't need a man to make me happy, I need a bunch of men. I'll call them "friends." I have been thinking about this idea today. Most people's friends are those who they see at work, at school, at church, or similar places. For me, my friends are not involved in any of those. They are completely separate, and have almost always been (apart from my few friends in elementary and high school). It seemed odd to me that regular people see their friends on a daily basis. I now see, that this is what makes them friends. People that know what you're involved in because they're involved in it too. What happens when friends aren't around? Well that's what family is for, not simply to keep the house warm and act as occasional conversation partners.

6. I need to sing. I love to sing. I can't stand not singing. The band was just a reminder of that, and after we did worship this morning, they made sure to encourage sis and I in our talents. Just a great bunch of guys. Therefore, I need to make a cd. I don't care if I don't sell it; I just need to make it for my own benefit. I have the visual skillz, and sis can sing and play her guitar, so what else do we need?

Really, how cute would that be? Bro and sis singing duo?

7. I want to sell the ps2 I just bought last week, as well as the games I purchased and the one that's still in the delivery process. They don't make me happy, they waste my time - it's the reason I stopped playing games about 4 years ago. I also want to sell most other things I own that I don't want or require (which isn't much). I know I sound like a crazy hippy, but it's how I feel and I love this feeling.

There is my list. It is nowhere near complete.

I am exceptionally tired and will be so much more so by the time my next day off arrives (7 days from now), so I must sleep while I have time. Thank you for reading my rants and leaving comments now and then. If you would like to get a hold of me, the address is "me" @ robertwesley.com.

Before I go - one of my best moments of peace this weekend. It was Saturday around 4ish and I was upstairs in the church watching some of the youth play video games, when I noticed the setting sun in the window. I walked downstairs, passed the few people in the lobby, and out the door, into the wintery air. I don't get how so many complain of the cold; it is so awesomely refreshing. Anyway, I propped myself up against one of the pillars supporting the entranceway, and soaked up the sun. If you remember, I don't get to see sunlight during the week, save for the morning commute. I take it when I can get it, and yesterday, it left me speechless. The sky turned into such breathtaking shade of blue, mixed with a few vanilla and bright orange clouds placed in just the right spots. It got exponentially more dramatic as the sun moved closer to the horizon, falling behind the Birch trees in the distance. They were surrounded by wilted prairie grass, with a couple storage sheds hidden to the left. A few people arrived, and a few others left, but no one acknowledged my presence, leaving me to bask in the glory around me. And I was content.

And I am content.

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