someone to tell

It's almost a week since I posted last. During this span, few things happened worthy of taking the time to sit down and write. Well there are a couple; My mom's favorite tree seems to have broken the water line bringing clean water to the house, and slowly flooding the front yard and killing the tree at the same time. Secondly, if anyone recalls the kitchen makeover we've been doing since spring (won contest), progress has been made on the upper deck, and hardwood flooring and a couple doors were purchased on Saturday. Plus, I found Ari Hest on aaron's blog. However, in regard to personal matters, I'm finding more and more that my will to write anything has greatly decreased since I began this new employment venture. One of my most frequently concluded reasons for this is my lack of time and mental energy to let my mind think.

I used to have hours and hours a day to spend reading, learning, and contemplating, and enjoying my talents. I remember the days I would redesign my blog every week, and create small photo manips every 3 days. I miss it. I don't have the energy to think about life, thoughts, religion, and all that, in any sort of depth. Instead I find the only thoughts filling my mind tend to pertain to food, sleep, and work. Well, and life.

Don't take it the wrong way, I'm extremely thankful for the opportunity I was given. I'm able to spend time in a much more comfortable environment than McDonald's, and I get a nice looking paycheque every other week. I'm getting good work experience that can be applied to so many other areas of business. I am very pleased at my decision to put school on hold and see how this turns out, because I have decided that high-tech isn't for me. I was in a program centered around information technology, business mangement, and new media / interactivity. Of the many courses I completed, I found that the ones which gave me the most enjoyment were those about people; how people think, react, act, towards products or services that we might be a part of.

As I'm typing this, I've realized that is what I valued at that school. I knew it while I was there, I just hadn't realized it. Technology (design) was the tool I used to get to a level where I could affect people in a real way. I could design a method of understanding, or a work of graphical art, and see the result it had on others. The teacher I most looked up to and respected was not the one who had the best knowledge of a program or a concept - it was the one who had the most people experiences, and the most respect and accountability for his students.

My 2 years there were a bridge to get to where I am now, and this job is just another bridge to take my further to where I want to be.

I don't yet know exactly where I want to be, but I have realized that it would be quite nice if someone else could travel there with me. I'm lonely. In the past I had so much free time to see friends, but I didn't. Now, I have next to no time at all, and it's hard. I rarely even see members of my family anymore, other than the small hours between when I get home and when I go to sleep. I miss sitting around the dinner table and eating together; catching up on daily events. It just doesn't feel like I really live here anymore.

One last thing I have noticed, along with the lines of lonelieness in mind, is how I no longer want to post the very personal things on this blog. A friend asked me quite a while ago to tell him one thing I had never told anyone before. I couldn't think of anything (except 1 point about myself that I'll never tell anyone 'cause it's so entirely stupid). It's sad. I don't want to be spamming my thoughts all over the Internet. I want to be telling them to someone close to me, who can tell me his/her thoughts in return. From now on, for every personal matter I post on here, there will be one I keep to myself and save for the time it will allow someone to feel closer to knowing me.

Blogs/diaries/personal journals are ears for those who are alone, whether they admit it or not.

So where are you?