so get this

I'm back.

<< addendum: the return | Main | better together: unless x >> 02:17 AM by Rob

And wow. After working to get the site back to the state it was in before its disappearance (which was no easy task), I decided to go back and read from beginning to end. I had some good things to say, if I may say that. There were also a few things that I look back on now and think to myself how little I have changed, and still other things that I grow disappointed in my once optimistic outlook.

Life did not turn out the way I had planned in the last post.

After being accepted into TWU, I found out that they were only willing to let me transfer 3 of my 62 credits. Okay, I thought, that wouldn't be too bad because I told myself I would take whatever credits I could get. However, combine that with the fact that I would still technically be a transfer student and therefore be unable to apply for or receive any of the significant scholarships, and you get one lost young man.

I signed a 3 month contract with EA after my initial contract. When that contract expiry was approaching I met with my lead to let her know I would be returning to school in the fall, and I just so happened to do this on the same day she planned to offer me a year-long contract at a higher wage and with basic benefits. Luckily for me, she was able to keep the same conditions but shorten the contract so it would end on September 1st. This was before I knew about the situation with transfer credits and such.

Because they already planned on my not being an employee there in the fall, it was too late to tell them my plans had changed. It was up to me to figure something out before the fall. That something was to continue at the school I started out at, but transfer into the BBA program, majoring in Marketing. I thought it would work, because, as I saw it, I could manage all the thousands of designers that will surface in the next number of years, and I could do so with a strong background in design.

I spent the remainder of my time at EA really getting close to my coworkers. Seeing the same people 5 to 7 days a week for almost a year is a great way to make friends, and they were really good friends, and just great people to be around. Although the work was tiring and demanding, I looked forward to every day because I got to joke around and enjoy the working life.

I registered in half of the prerequesite courses I needed to get into the BBA program, for the fall semester, and before I knew it I was unemployed (not before having a little bbq a few weeks earlier where I let the guys pop my alcohol cherry... rum tastes yummy.. beer does not :D)

***

Fast forward to now, and I feel like I'm in the same place I was last year at this time, except worse. I don't like any of my classes, I don't want to go into business, and I'm even worse off with the who am I debate. I recently had a breakdown that severely affected my mental well-being, as well as my studies and grades, and I met with a personal counsellor last Friday to discuss me. Basically I just wanted to confirm with her that I'm messed up enough to be allowed to apply for withdrawal from my classes. The problem with that is I would no longer be a full-time student, and therefore no longer be covered under my dad's medical plan. Nevertheless, I have the option to withdraw if I want. But I can't. I don't want to keep running away from everything... although on the other hand, I want and need to take time to sort myself out, even if just enough to be able to live. I have been better since last week, and have been able to regain my composure and concentrate on school, but I know it'll erupt again soon.

Along with this, the "reach for you" retreat is happening again in a few weeks (mentioned a few posts ago, which was last year). I really don't want to be involved in it. I can't be a leader or role model for young boys because I'm not even one for myself. I go to a bible study group at school, but I can't talk to them about "me". As much as I want to, there are just so many conclusions that will be thrown on me at the first mention of that word, and I would never be able to get back to where I am now.

My life is a swing. First I swing towards wanting to be gay and forgetting about God, and then I swing the other way: each swing being more intense than the last. It scares me, because I see myself doing more and more destructive things, and I don't want to know what lies ahead. I want to get off the ride and just be. I want my 40 days in the desert.

There you have it.

I thought I had it figured out. I thought I was on my way.

I thought wrong.