November 03, 2005
all the gays
We were sitting at the kitchen table after our meal (for the first time in about a year due to renovations) discussing my past and future education possibilities, when the parentals began to look a little more into my desire to switch schools again and go to the main art+design school around here - eciad. There was some trouble understanding exactly what I would be doing, and how that could get me a job, but despite their overall negative tone towards the whole idea, I managed to keep civil and explain my view and all that. Then the mother mentioned how "all the gays" would probably be at that school.
<< better together: unless x | Main | roadblocks >> 07:38 PM by RobOuch.
Is that supposed to mean anything to me? Am I not supposed to want to go there because of the gays? How is that statement of any use or even relevance?
If there’s any synonym for the plural of homosexual that I dislike the most, it is “the gays” – and it’s probably not a coincidence that it is the term my mom most commonly uses to refer to that segment of the population. In either case, I had to clench my jaw just to keep from smiling. Don’t ask me why, but I always feel like putting on the biggest grin when this topic comes up in conversation with family. Perhaps it’s a sort of painful grin, where no other expression would adequately match how I feel… Like I think that if I pretend I’m not hurt, I’d be happy, so I overcompensate and smile. I replied by saying “the gays are everywhere”. In my head it sounded like I said “they’re everywhere, even at this table with you!” but I don’t think they took it that way. The next thing I knew, the topic had moved on to the latest lesbian discovered by way of the friendship/relationship chain in the neighbourhood, and how my mom had "3(!) couples" come to the door on Halloween, and how our suburb must be "L-friendly", according to my dad.
Even better, although my mom babysits for a lesbian couple, one of the "normal" families she babysits tells her how they won’t let their children go over to friends houses where the parents are of the same gender. They don’t want to have to tell their children how that is wrong, and they want to make sure the child doesn’t think it’s okay. Going over to their house would, evidently, make the child think that having 2 mommies is perfectly normal. Of course, the kids wouldn’t just play and create a healthy friendship, no, they would talk about how one has a daddy and a mommy and how the other has 2 mommies and it’s okay and maybe they’ll choose to be like that too.
I took that slightly further than what was said, but it was what they were both thinking. I just smile and pretend like I agree, because I’m not strong enough to say otherwise.
Seriously though, can’t they figure it out? Their 2nd youngest child, the only boy, has never dated a girl, is the only of 4 children still living at home regularly (youngest sis is on campus), has always been interested in music and art/design and wants to go to art school, enjoys singing and was in musicals for drama and choir in high school, and is way too obedient when it comes to chores or household tasks (and doesn’t like sports, or helping the dad with small construction-related reno things). If that isn’t enough, they know I have (or had) friends that they never see, they know that at least one of them lives in the gay side of downtown, and they even asked me a couple years ago if a certain one was gay – who happened to be my first gay friend, and so of course I said "no" and when asked how I knew for sure, I told them how I asked him because I thought he was too.
I’m tired of being a sinner. Not because of being gay, but because I feel like I need to lie to uphold some sort of clean, regular, "healthy heterosexual" image. It’s so terribly backwards and I hate it.
Just ask me directly so we can get on with our lives! I don’t want to be the one to ruin this parent-child relationship, so you ask. Ask. Say it, "Robert, are you gay?!" or in this case it would be more like "You don't think you're a gay do you?!" I don't even care how it's asked, just, please, ask me, and leave your assumptions at the door.
And I know, you say, "But Rob, haven't you seen? They've tried to ask you many times even though it may not seem like it." Well that's my point. There have been a few times in the past where if I pursued the conversation and didn't withold information or told the complete truth, the question would have been asked. However, in those situations, I would have been backed into such a big corner as a result of the preceding questions that I would probably say things I didn't want to say and end up worse off than I would be otherwise.
I guess I'm just tired of hiding when it doesn't even feel like I should have to hide anything... until "the gays" are spoken of, and I'm pushed further away from wanting to bring up the subject myself.
the countless times i've had exactly the same conversation with my family. they know a good friend of mine is gay but they dont want me spending 'too much time with the wrong people'. wonder if they realise why i changed churches from them...
Posted by: nick at November 4, 2005 08:06 PMThey probably all ready know. In fact, I'd say your mother knows for sure. Your dad...maybe not...he could be in such complete denial about it that telling him would actually shock him. Who knows. The thing is this....we each have to do individually what it is we sense God calling us to do. Now, God may very well be trying to communicate to them that they should talk to you or ask you about this...and they are not being obedient. But that's their problem, not yours. You have to do what you are supposed to do regardless of what they do. I'll start praying about this with you, ok?
love in Christ,
grace
I used to do the same thing. Those conversations would come up and I'd just shut up, smirking. I thought I was hidden, although I was in plain view. No one knew. When I came out, I think they took it all that much easier because of those converstions, because of those dinner's with the lot of us and I was the only one that refused to participate. They may have thought I was biggoted, but when I finally opened my mouth and told them the truth, I think it was that much easier. Don't rush the process, I think all these converstions will just make it easier for them, and ultimatly for yourself, in time. You'll know when you're ready to say something, and you will.
Posted by: Steven at November 5, 2005 06:14 PMI just about did today... I was so close.
We went to the school for an open house they are having this weekend (talk about good timing) and when we got back in the car I asked if that had changed their perception of the place at all.. from a crazy art school to something a little more real (mainly after looking at the hardcore industrial and communication design area). Mom said overall it was even more artsy than she first thought, and said something along the lines that she never said it was a bad school. She then said that she is just concerned about the gays there, that it will be harder to meet normal people. And because of the ratio of gay people, I'll probably end up making some gay friends.. and gay people never just have friends, they have eyes that are always looking. And so on.
It actually made me more open to talk about it, and I did ask some questions like "why does that make a difference" when she said there are more gays there, and such... just because she seemed genuinely concerned. She doesn't want me going there and all of a sudden be trapped and get pulled into something I didn't want to be drawn into. I'm still her innocent little (almost 22year old) son.
For that reason I felt like saying.. look, it's not something you'll have to worry about. ... but that would not be an accurate representation of reality ;) so I'll keep it a little longer, and continue conservatively questioning their perceptions. I just need to make sure I let them know before I go there, otherwise if I tell them after they'll think it was the school's fault and therefore their fault for letting me go to that school.
And just a little aside, most of the artwork along the Granville Island streets (where the campus was) was made by my (2nd?) cousin, who just happens to be a gay man.
One of my best friends (who happens to be 'a gay') just graduated from Emily Carr, and she's getting steady work -- book design stuff -- so..., it's not an out there idea. If that is your gifting, then you should pursue it.
Of course... the gay thing... always fun when those conversations come up. I can't tell you how many times I sat through my mother's rants about the 'homosexual plight' and whatnot. Never fun. I feel for you.
Posted by: JJ at November 7, 2005 03:00 PMI remember when one of my best friends came out, she was 19 I think - I kept thinking I'm so glad I DON'T have to call my grandparents and aunts and uncles AND have those really daft conversations with my parents all the time... She was just relieved I still wanted to be her friend! I couldn't believe she ever doubted that... Though I see how most things had been doubted while she was still in the closet - like you may be contemplating every word you or your 'rents still say. Best of luck!
Another friend is a gay vicar, married to her girlfriend of many years. God doesn't seem to mind - they're very happy together - and the congregation is happy about & for them both :)
I used to think I was gay, but when it turned out I wasn't a boy after all I found I wasn't...
Posted by: Scholiast at November 25, 2005 04:07 PMRobert, this topic is the 100,000 dollar quaetion, and it is never easy. Sooner or later you get to the point where "the gays" become (we and us) everyone has an image and an idea of just what "the gays" mean, inhabit and identify. AS we age that identity is refined and you make up your own identity and sooner or later we become so confident in ourselves that one day we stand up and nobody asks that question ever again. That growth only comes if you walk the walk. I know it happened to us when we got married, things changed with everyone who knew us - including family. We grow up and we grow outwards, and people either adapt or the get forgotten or ignored. At some point you will tire of this drama and labeling and as soon as you put your foot down and say ENOUGH, then and only then will things change, and that comes with inner growth like I said. I was wondering how you were, and found your updates the other night. It takes a lifetime to learn what gay means to us, personally and as a group and community.
Posted by: jeremy at December 3, 2005 09:21 PM