sweet seraphim

I want to write something even though I don’t feel like I have anything to write. It’s a problem I often have, especially when I feel like much of the writing I do put into this thing has a sort of depressed or lost tone to it (which does seem appropriate given the subject matter, but sometimes I and I’m sure you want a break). Unfortunately I don’t think that break will come today.

<< roadblocks | Main | the frog >> 07:11 PM by Rob

I wonder how often “normal” people think about a life committed to following God. There are so many times in my life when I want nothing more to be a monk secluded away in some monastery somewhere just loving God and worshipping him all day long. Then I remember that, although I can and would love to get away from material things for a time, there are so many fun and interesting technologies out there today. Like movies.

Sister Act was on last night. It is a movie I enjoy. I love the overall story of it – “worldly” woman becomes member of convent, teaches the incredibly withdrawn and conservative group of nuns how to actually reach out to the world and share God’s love in a way that lifts up everyone, not only the “lost”. Despite some initial troubles, everyone becomes comfortable with her, and to top it off their approach wins a standing ovation from the pope.

I suppose one could see a number of reasons why I might enjoy it… but I also like it because I want to be a nun. Sure a monk would work, but it would be too… manly. Yes, I’m a man, but why can’t I be a nun? I mean, I get along better with women, and it’s not like I would have any temptations to fall into…

But then I remember that I really don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone for way too long already, and I can’t see it lasting a lifetime.

I don’t know, those are just some thoughts.

And some more thoughts, hopefully in a not-too negative tone; I very much dislike it when people give statistics of the numbers of people saved at any certain event or outreach program. It makes me feel like all Christians are only focused on getting the highest score with no personal aspect to it.

One of the community pastors in my church participated in a citywide outreach to the well-known “east-van” neighbourhood of the homeless and drug addicted and so on. I mean, yes, it was great to hear that they were able to spread the Word and all that, but to come back and say “## were saved that day, ## more were saved on the way to the church, ## were saved after the message,” etc. just sounds entirely degrading. People are not numbers that need to be saved. Everyone is an individual who needs support and guidance and trust, as well as someone who is genuinely interested in supporting him or her through the journey towards salvation.

Someday I would like to be one who is in a position to guide and support, but I know it’s hard when I need so much support myself, especially when I do not even ask for it.

* * *

As every day passes I grow closer to telling them (the parents/family). I want to so badly. It seems now that almost every day I hear one comment or another about those people and I’m tired of the generalizations. They need to know it is real, and those people aren’t as far away as they want to think. I want their guidance and their support, and I don’t want to keep being a hermit in my own home. I think I’ve said it before, but if not I’ll say it again: they have always maintained that we children are able to discuss anything with them. I believe that to be true, and I’m quite confident they would want to understand what I’m going through if I began to tell them… I’m just not sure if I have the energy.

I’ll work on it.

In the meantime I need to figure out my future again because registration for the spring is in 4 days and I’m quite sure I don’t want to be at this university for another semester… Maybe I’ll run off to the convent after Christmas! :D