December 21, 2005
god so loved
I don't know whether it was a dream or simply a period of imagining, but a few days ago I suddenly felt like what I'm going through is a stage that many other people experience. It seemed like the understanding of sexuality, the world, and spirituality is required to come to a crossroads in order for the individual to gain some sort of unfathomable knowledge of life... Like (speaking for males) my father, my uncles, their fathers, etc. have all experienced times of sexual confusion and same sex attraction, but mostly found that it was not their true nature to pursue any options that would correspond to being gay. Like it was a great examination where there is only one right answer, and that answer is God, and for them, that meant personal attractions did not matter... God and His plan were the only concepts of worth, and His plan, when investigated and fully understood, was man plus woman equals family equals the meaning of life.
<< sustainability | Main | homeward bound >> 02:52 AM by RobAnd I know this is true. The thing was, it felt very real. I guess it was a dream, which is nice because it means I’ve actually remembered my dreams for quite a good number of days now (usually I remember one dream per maybe 3 months). It told me what I know I want to hear... not that this is a phase, but how it is a time of struggle that most individuals go through. Almost like if I were to, out of the blue, ask my dad if he ever thought he was gay (or mom if she thought she was), he’d respond with something like “Sure I did, but it didn’t mean I had to be. Besides, then your mother came along and you know how that ended up.”
I don’t know if I’m saying it’s a choice.. but I suppose I might be. I’ve always said it’s only a choice to act on gay feelings, not to choose to be gay. What if it were a choice though? What if, early on in my life, something happened that ingrained a decision I would want to make later on life when I really started questioning things? I knew I wasn’t right long, long ago. I look back at pictures and it’s obvious to me. For instance, a girl moved in across the street when I was in grade 3, and we became instant best friends. Perhaps a few months before her parents moved away again to put her into an all-girls school, she had a sleepover birthday party, and I was the only boy there.. In the morning we all played with her Barbie’s before my dad came and picked me up for church. It was fun, however I don’t think that’s something a regular boy does during his childhood.
Maybe it’s due to the fact that I had 3 strong-willed sisters whom I admired? Was I raised to know that such feminine activities were acceptable? And without a dad who was capable of physical activity, did not having more masculine activities throughout my childhood end up being the unraveling of my religiously accepted identity?
It was an interesting dream nonetheless. It brought me back to a place where the whole “homosexuality” thing has become very vague. For a while I was noticing myself associating with the commonly accepted definitions and ideas, when I know that they don’t suit me. Maybe I like men. So what? Maybe there’s still a girl out there who would be more to me than any man ever could? Maybe not. Maybe I only think I like men because I truly am envious of their manliness, and I know I cannot achieve such qualities in my own life, so I want to capture theirs? I still believe so, but I also still believe there’s a bit more to it….
God has created every single person uniquely so I think it only makes sense that ideas like sexuality are naturally open to confusion. He gave me my eyes and my heart and my annoyingly self-perceived gay voice (even if others don’t hear it that way) and my skinny little wrists because He wanted me to have them. He could have thought it would be fun to see how I reacted to having attractions towards men, and to wait for how long it would take me to throw aside the veil of childhood ignorance and ask Him directly what His plan is with this mess that is me.
There was a time, probably while I was working the full time office job, where I felt close to Him. When I asked a question, it seemed like I received an answer, and it was very comforting even when I didn’t want to agree with the answer. Then life happened, and I haven’t been able to hear His voice through the noise for quite a few months. It’s left me feeling more alone than ever, which was particularly noticeable during my mental shutdown mid-semester. The good thing is that I’m at least still, even if mildly, attempting to pursue Him and find those answers to my questions which He and only He has to give.
If only the world would stop getting in the way.
And even now, I want to contradict myself. I want the world to get in the way. I would love to have a man show up and sweep me off my feet, or to ignore what I once thought was His potential career calling and pursue a life less dedicated to Him. I want to stop trying to be the best son/brother I can be, and experience some form of a delayed rebellious teenage period. I never had one…. I was too good mannered and obedient.
Lord, enough fun and games. I’ve tried to demonstrate how I need you, and I know, down to my very foundations, that I do need you. Please tell me what I should do with myself, with my relationships, and with my life. Please.
***
The mom and dad and younger sister and I will be heading back east to Saskatchewan to visit family between the 26th of December and January 8th or so. Both parents were born and raised out there, so to them, we’re going “home” for Christmas. I’ve been looking forward to this for a while, ‘cause I love the prairies, and it’s a good chance to get away from my computer and socialize with family I haven’t seen for a while. Picture a lot of late night games of Rook or Dutch Blitz or Pit, and you’ll have some idea of this trip (the first actual trip anywhere outside the city that I’ll have had in over a year and a half)
So to all of you, have a Merry Christmas. Tell your loved ones just how much you love and appreciate them, but also make sure to spend a little time alone.. to reflect on the season, and to realize how wonderfully unique and blessed you are – Even if being alone simply means taking a few minutes to listen to the melody of conversation around the dinner table. Take it all in, and be thankful for every little part of it.
God bless.
there was a time when i felt so close to God that it seems that my sexuality does not matter; it doesn't matter if i was gay or yearning (since forever) for love. in light of the big picture, all that matters is that i'm His child and i've been invited to participate in His Kingdom's purposes.
but that was quite some time ago.
it's only through trials and testings that we'll grow. for God is more interested in our character than He is in our comforts. i do hope you'll find your answers and directions, but more importantly, that you'll turn to Him and seek Him for them. for nothing pleases God more than our surrender to Him.
have a blessed christmas too, dude! =)
Posted by: masqueraded at December 21, 2005 05:49 AMRobert,
This is one of the most beautiful things I've read in a long time. I'm not proud enough to think it makes a difference how I feel.....but I have to say.....I'm as proud of you right this moment as if you were my own son. You are a beautiful person....and yes, created particularly with your skinny wrists and "gay sounding" voice. I am in love with someone very much like you and I thank God for him every single day! :) Merry Christmas!
love,
grace
You are an amazing person. Just based on your thought process alone, I can divulge that (and, of course, your ability to write it out and share it so well).
To me, being gay has been a choice. I know I could settle with a woman and be content, but I don't think that all my needs would be fulfilled. And, to be honest, I think I'd just be happier with a man. So I see it as just that, I'll look for a man, and if that really doesn't work out, I could settle for a woman--but I'd rather not. This has always been something that set me apart from the general gay community; that being gay is a choice and not "in me" or whatever. Being gay is only part of who I am; I'd like to think that I offer a whole lot more. Haha.
I was raised in a somewhat unconventional manner. My father wasn't around much, and my mom raised us four kids (pretty well if I do say so myself). He was always working and traveling (Navy) and we opted to stay put so the kids could go through school without having to move all the time. I have two older brothers and one sister, and that I was (and still am for the most part) pretty close to. I had my time with the boys, exploring the woods and I had my doll time with my sister. And I still don't see it as too much nurture from my family.
In reality, you're a catch. No matter whom you let yourself love, man or woman, they are very, very lucky to have you. You've got your head on straight, you know what you want and have the ability to do anything. And, well, you're quite attractive... you'll never have a hard time finding someone. Just make sure you're picky; don't settle for just anyone, make sure they're real.
Much love, happy holidays, and have a great and safe trip!
Posted by: Steven at December 21, 2005 08:31 AMRobert,
I knew before the end of Junior high, that I was different. But, due to my parental abuse, I stayed the straight course until I lost the desire to be with a woman, because I wanted to live my life as I wanted to. Gay comes in many colors and forms. I guess i went through many incarnations until I found the "me" that was who I was. Stay away from addiction and alcohol, they won't help you decide. My life was full of feminine influence, because all the men were absent alcoholics, so I have a very feminine streak in me, but that's ok.
Every day I live my life (13 years with HIV) I maintained my faith, went to church, had friends and ministered to others - while my friends and fellows ministered to me. Life is about the journey, and living each day to its fullest is what we should do.
Being forced to make a choice whether to be Gay or Straight leads to insanity. What I would tell you is this, you are young and you have a good life with people who love and care for you. So enjoy them boys or girls, men or women. Don't force a choice until you desire to make a choice. A choince implies "separation" from what is. Labeling yourself "separates" you from others verbally and sexually, and that choice then begins to create barriers between those you know and those you don't and it opens you to ridicule and homophobia, based on a given choice.
What would I encourage you to do? Live, and Love, and enjoy all that God has put in your life, because once labels are applied, the end will come to the life you once knew. I learned this very bitter lesson, when my parents began to label me to others and to friends.
Labels and names destory they do not unite and assist. That is the failure of our time, that people are so quick to label and separate that which is not Of God or from God. They say, that God hates Fags... I haven't heard that from God myself directly, so why listen to those who say that.
When I was in high school in youth group love knew no boundaries or labels, until the adults decided that they saw us as "different" therein beginning the destruction of our wonderful community. Keep hold of those you love and do not limit yourself with a decision to "choose" until you must. God is Love and everybody is worthy of love, no matter who they are or what they are. So choose to live, choose not to label yourself until that time comes when that special Person walks into your life and you know for sure.
Who knows, what the future holds for you. Do not live in the past - or expect from the future, just live in the present because all we have is today, and what we make of it and who we love in any 24 hour period. relax and enjoy your life every day and live your best life, without labels and separations. I think God would want that of you.
Love your neighbor, as God loves you. and as the Buddah says, "And do no harm..."
Be careful of what you ask from God, because if he thinks you are ready for the answer it will come to you. Sometimes, our prayers go unanswered, not that they won't just maybe because it is not time for certain answers or truths. Stay the course and keep walking and praying and be focused on your ministry before God and your fellows. If you follow your heart and live a good life and you keep God as the center of your life, then all these things you need will come to you, not necessarily what you want. God gives us what we need each day in fine measure. Remember to be greatful for what you have and not worry about what you don't have.
May God bless you and keep you Robert and remember you are not alone.
Jeremy
Here's hoping you're having a nice holidays...
I almost feel guilty for not having had doubts about my sexuality - I've always liked men (although there was a time I thought I was one too...) - but I've got several gay friends. They've come out at various stages in life. The most recent one came out this summer - thus ending a 13 year long marriage to a man she'd been with since she was 17. They're both devout christians and she didn't accept who she was for a long time (although she expected as much from around 19). Finally, though, it was too painful to live like they did. She knew she could never love her husband the way he loved her. They split up, and now - 6 months later (and still very single!) - she feels so much better. About everything! About her ex husband, about their son, even about God and the church.
I used to talk to God too, and get straight answers (which I would try to reason away if they didn't fit, but that never worked, of course!). Less of this now, having 5 kids and a home and a husband is a full time job - and then there's the full time job, of course...
Should any of my kids be gay, I hope they'll let me in on it, even if it's only a suspicion or a thought, at least so I can be there for them. From what my gay friends have told me (most christians, some ex-christians...) I can't really see how being gay can be a choice, though. Of course, there is always the choice of ignoring it. But if that's how God created you, how could there be anything wrong about it? He's infallible, isn't He? So if you experience love for and / or from a person of the same sex it must be from God - who else administers love? Certainly not the other side, at least not according to my faith.
I wish you strength and happiness for the next year!
And keep posting. Your writing goes straight into my heart.
Posted by: Scholiast at December 27, 2005 03:09 PM