silent solitude

It snowed a few days ago, and we received another cm or so today.. with the possibility of a few more over the next few days before rain comes. The first night I enjoyed it. I was filled, as one often is during the first snowfall of the season, with wonder and excitement like a younger me may have felt years ago. As the days passed, the snow became another hazard which disrupted the usual flow of things. Tonight, looking out the window at the newly dusted trees in the backyard, I realized how much I've grown up inside... I didn't yearn to pull on my snow suit and run and play in the frozen fun.

I remember back to the days spent out in the cold building structures, characters, or simply throwing the snow at unsuspecting sisters or friends or even the sliding glass door to the deck. At the first sign of snow, the children from my school would run home after the bell, grab their sleds, and return full speed to the hill behind the field. It didn't matter if there was enough snow to slide on, the point was that it had snowed, and when it snowed, you sled down hills. Often they would turn to mud slides in a matter of hours, though sometimes the snow kept coming and produced a substantial series of slides. Suddenly it would be dark, but we didn't care, we would keep the fun going. After all, it didn't often snow around here, and rain would most likely come the next day or week at the latest.

As I looked out, I remembered my childhood and I felt old. Old because I didn't see the point in wasting energy on such a seemingly useless pastime. It saddened me, but I did nothing to change it. Part of me decided it was because I don't have anyone around me who would find enjoyment in getting cold and sweaty, playing with ice crystals, and part of me thought it was because this is the first winter since getting Mickey, where he wasn't around to help me enjoy it.

It was awesome to take him to the park and run around and play. He'd try to eat the flakes as they fell from the sky, and have an incredibly enthusiastic outlook on the whole experience. He was the epitome of absolute joy and excitement. But now I'm alone.

I look out from the inside and see a blanket of white covering the world, though it seems to have a hard time. The streets are wiped clear and the sidewalks turn to ice. I feel like getting up and going for a late night/early morning walk, when I know I'll just return cold, lonely, and probably sore from slipping and falling a number of times.

***

Exams are next week and the week after. I'm not ready, and I don't have the motivation to prepare myself. What use are ideas of macroeconomics to my world-view? Sure overall investment changes if interest rates change and all that, but I won't be drawing any graphical representations of changes in the economy any time soon. Similarly, I don't have plans to start my own business or become an accountant, so accounting methods are trivial to me. Who cares. Just be over so I can have Christmas and pretend to be happy at this happy time of year.

I really haven't been grumpy lately; it's been nice. However tonight I had a conversation with a friend from school who never ceases to remind me of my struggles. Her constant idea is that I need to become something, anything, because it's no help to anyone by being a nothing. Even though I have problems, I need to sort it out now and be done with it (essentially, resign myself to believe i have to have the man sex at some point in my life, and therefore have to give up some of my values). She has a point, but it has no backing and just makes me stubborn and depressed.

Goodnight, and merry day after world aids day - the disease people still don't accept as being universal and not solely God's punishment for fags.