December 13, 2005
sustainability
So I’ve been absent from the blog for a good number of days (as if you didn’t notice). Exams are almost finished, and the bulk of pre-Christmas obligations have passed. There were a number of thoughts that came to me during this time, but either I didn’t have time to write them down, or I didn’t have the energy to get more than a few sentences. I guess I’m generally feeling somewhat.. blah.
Enough of that, I’ll just write.
<< silent solitude | Main | god so loved >> 08:52 PM by RobOne really big thing that I do not like about this whole struggle over sexuality is how it impacts my thinking as far as spiritual pursuits are concerned. As much as it has drawn me closer to God, I can only see it taking me so far before I face an impenetrable wall. I’m scared to really push myself to get out into the world.. like with spiritual schools (a friend attended and helped at a YWAM school of worship in Australia for a little over a year..), missions trips, or even some local positions requiring a little leadership or responsibility. I feel like who I am is a detriment to my potential. Like it will show wherever I go, and because more religiously minded individuals would surround me, they would have a stronger perception of my problems and therefore be less willing to let me learn and serve the Lord.
I know this shouldn’t be true, but it sure feels like it is.
I’m also becoming more frustrated at this whole sexuality because of its impact on my future (again). There will be something missing in my life if I end up finding a man to live with. I need a woman, even if I do not prefer to have one. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so close to my younger sister, my nontwin, that I’ve fulfilled my woman-quota for my life… although that’s changing now for most family functions, because she has her bf, and the other sisters have their husbands, so I’m the odd one, and noticeably so.
But, as I’ve said many times before, even if I accepted the fact that I need a woman to make my life complete, there’s no way I could put my needs above hers. I wouldn’t be able to love her in the way she deserves to be loved. This was a topic the counselor at school briefly touched on when I spoke to her one time. She said, "Well aren’t your needs important too?" I couldn’t really answer her because I knew she wouldn’t understand. I’m not the one who deserves to see my interests fulfilled at the expense of someone else. If anything, it should be the other way.
Do I need to grow up and say, well, God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and He created a woman for me, so even if I don’t love her as much as I should, it is still my duty to find her and sweep her off her feet?
Somehow I don’t think so.
However I don’t know of any completely fulfilling, sustainable alternative for my life.
For those of you who tried to comment earlier today, I was attempting to upgrade movable type, when it didn't want to. The good thing is everything is fixed now so there's nothing to worry about.
Posted by: rob at December 14, 2005 01:56 PMThe tug between living the life of a married man (to a woman) is so engrained into kids heads, that when we face sexuality issues, we either cave into marrying for appearance to make the parents and religious happy, or we find strength in the fact that God created us for who we are, gay or straight. It took me years battling that one. If you don't find love within yourself for yourself, you will NEVER be able to love another, man or woman.
It is hard to make the break into the life you want, versus the life that everyone else wants you to have to make "them" comfortable.
People Pleasing is the road to hell and misery.
God loves you for YOU Robert. WHO you are will eventually outweigh WHAT you are, but be prepared for those who will scripturally tell you that WHAT you are is more important than WHO you are.
Integrity - Honor and - Faith will be your guide, even when you dont want to listen. Being gay is a lifetime of learning, and most never make it, they either cave to the hetero way - or kill themselves in the battle. Only those who KNOW WHO they are survive, and that takes a village to get you there. God is proud of what you do for others and how you love yourself and others, nothing else matters - except the fact that you know who God is in your life, there are paths to God being Gay, I CAN promise you that. You just have to have courage and faith to follow your convictions whatever they may be.
God loves you Robert, make no mistake, gay or straight. NO ONE has God's ear and no one can speak for God except God, and scripture was pointed to a particular group at a particular point in time. Church must change or crumble under its own ignorance and intolerance. There are plenty of Christian Ministries that can help you live a Godly Christian Gay life IF that is what you choose, I am on that journey and you are not alone. I happen to be a religion major and I am a writer as well. So I have experience to back up every word that I have written here. Have faith my young soldier. Do not abandon God because you are unsure, hold on to him and listen to HIS voice within you not from outside you and Love Yourself First. If you don't, you will fail in your persuit of life.
Until you learn to love yourself completely your life will be incomplete.
This has been a long struggle for you, I know. It is hard to work "Gay" into Christianity with finesse and strength, but it can be done, get on the path and start walking and surround yourself with people who will help you begin to Learn about your own personal identity and what you stand for and what you want from your life.
Do not live your life for others, because when it comes down to the crunch you will see who really stands up with you and I fear if you stay the gay course, many will fall behind you and that would eventually kill you and any faith you might have had. Build your castle on a sound and solid foundation. That foundation is in God Love and his faith in your abilities. My prayers are with you.
Jeremy
Posted by: jeremy at December 14, 2005 02:25 PMWe just need to have a long chat session, huh? :)
There is no woman or man on this earth who will complete you. Your identity is in Christ Jesus alone. He will make you into the person He created you to be. Seek Christ. My prayer for you, and I'm beginning today, is that you will fall completely in LOVE with Jesus. He's your perfect match.
I do not agree that we are put here to find ourselves, or love ourselves, or even to be loved, for that matter. We are here because God loves us and seeks relationship with us. Jeremy is right on when he says that God loves you for YOU. He designed you purposefully. You can find completion and joy through your relationship with Him and only through that path. And then.....all these things....will be added unto you. And it doesn't matter what my opinion or your mom or dad or the preacher, or your sister or the world wide web thinks about what "all these things" should be. God will show you what those are when the time is right. Put your trust in Him and be willing to take any and all risks necessary in your journey toward being in LOVE with Christ. He will NOT disappoint you.
love you brother!
grace
(i'll be on my break next week and hopefully we can catch up and talk then!)
