power out

I miss work. I miss riding the bus through the early morning sunshine, hiking up the hill to the office, to be met by a warm gust of wind in the face and a beautiful view of the surrounding city, before walking in the door, greeting the security guards, and feeling content and happy when I said good morning to my friends and coworkers. Even though the last few months I spent much of the work day listening to music, I was still around great people, and could through out a joke now and then to liven our spirits. It was so nice.

I was content. Sure it was work, and it was hard, draining, time-consuming work, but when I look back on it now, I have many, many fond memories of the place, and the people. Because I often listened to music on the commute there and home, and during breaks, and sometimes while working, whenever certain songs play on my itunes, I'm taken back to the moment when that song was most prominent in my memory. Funeral, by The Arcade Fire, has so many special songs to me because of this. It's instantaneous... "Neighbourhood #4 (7 Kettles)" and #3, "Power Out" produce imagery so vivid I could swear yesterday was summer, and I was back at work again, the sun bouncing it's way through the window shades. Cameras weren't allowed on the premises, so the only recorded memories I have are experienced through music.

Ohhh, I'm so sad. I wish I hadn't left. Sure the place drained me of creativity, and left me with virtually no life.. but I was so content. I was actually happy... and I can't think of another time in my life when I've felt so fulfilled and happy. Look at me now. Last semester I failed two courses, and this semester is a continuation of a limitless search for any course and subject that might be of interest to me and my future. I'm not working, my bank account is already half of what it was when I left EA, and life is a chore. It's nice to sleep in when I want, and it's great to be able to spend time outside in the sun whenever I want to unless I'm in class, but... is it worth it? am I really doing anything valuable with this time I have now? it sure doesn't feel like it.

I liked being too tired from work to worry about my future, or to worry about how/when I could tell my parents about me, or what reasons if any are there for anything at all. I liked that. And I miss it, but I know even if I do go back, it'll never be the same.

ALL because I finally decided to do what God had been telling me to do for at least a couple years. And then once the decision to leave was made, I didn't have enough faith to carry out His plan, where by faith, I mean money. So I took the easy way, and told myself I could do it my way. "Wake Up" is a great song too. As usual, however, "my way" doesn't work out as well as one would hope. I still haven't really heard His voice since... it's as if He's simply waiting for me to get to some level I don't yet know of, and then He'll reveal Himself to me fully.

Is it summer yet? I need summer. 2 almost solid months of rain isn't good for my brain. I wish I had tears so I could free them from their prison in my mind, but alas, my eyes guard them too tightly so as not to disgrace my cheeks. I need to release this somehow...