invisible

Sometimes I need time. Sometimes I create distance between myself and the world as a way to garner sympathy. Maybe if I don't post on my blog for a while, and don't sign in to MSN or visit other blogs then people will wonder where I am and try to contact me. Immature? sure is. that's just me and one of the many things about me that I need to work on. Although, sometimes it's still nice to have a break from everything.

Life is changing. People are thinking.

<< watching, waiting | Main | reciprocity >> 07:45 PM by Rob

Friday:
(Written on Friday, so my conclusions were still immature)

older sister called today. 2nd closest of 3 siblings. we talked for at least an hour. about me, about life, about relationships. Specifically my relationship with family and my dad. Don't ask me why, it was her doing. I haven't TALKED to her for... a very long time, if ever. Hard to let people get close and see the real me, even family. We talked about school, work, options I could pursue, options I should pursue. Talked about the sore state my life is in.. no direction in school, no job, no girlfriend, no car, no license, living at home with parents and staying too accountable to them for my age. She asked if there were any girls I was interested in, or if I was even interested in girls. I said "sure, why not." and responded with "when i do see someone, i don't care enough to do anything about it" when she asked what i think when i see a girl i'm attracted to. and what i said is true. We talked about friends and how it's hard for me to make them. We talked about who I was, what I like, how I need to set goals for my life. Then we moved on to dad. How she was sorry he has a heart condition so i didnt' get to play sports with him when I was younger, or do other normal father son bonding activities. We discussed how she wants me to be more active in helping him with work around the house, helping construct the deck in the backyard, for one. She said how he doesn't ask me anymore because he knows I'll say no and stay in my room. It's true. Said how I'm always in my room. When she and hubbie come over for coffee, they almost never see me because I'm in here. I'm "the invisible person".

Everything was true.

I had no idea one of my own sisters knew me that well, and would go so far as to confront me about everything.

I left feeling extremely.... informed.. about who I really have become, and what I know I need to do to improve my life. I knew all of it. The relationships, the work, school, God, life, family. I don't want to admit it to myself because I'm not willing to change. There is a lot of improvement I need to make, and I'm not interested in starting.

And yet, I know I need to. This was the 3rd noticeable reminder that God is trying to get my attention finally.

For the first, I saw the Christian group leader from my school on the first bus on the way home. There was another student standing between us, so I closed my eyes for the ride, swaying back and forth, not falling down, listening to my music, so I wouldn't have to talk to him. When we stopped at the station, he waited outside the bus for me. I was friendly, happy, we talked.. about school, about how I don't know which direction to go. He said he's happy his position is changing, but sad about the lack of personal time... said if he didn't have so many other things to do he wouldn't have made sure I continued attending the bible study groups. He would have made it work and not let me slip through the cracks.

Today I saw another one of the guys on the bus. Didn't talk to him, he was far enough away.

Then I arrive home and an hour or so later, sis calls; the conversation above.

I hear you God. I understand your point. I will listen, but only to the parts I want to hear.

Mom and dad went to coffee at her place tonight. They returned home around 11:00pm then went out for a walk for 15minutes. Not something they usually do, but then dad is still trying to break in his pacemaker. They don't seem too different, so maybe she didn't talk to them about our conversation.

Sunday:

nothing is really different. I feel a little more like they know I lie sometimes when I go out, but I don't care. Today sis came over for lunch. Just sis again, no hubbie. It was good though... because she made a lewd remark implying I didn't tell parents how much I enjoyed last sunday spent with younger sis and bf at his parents farm, further implying that I never talk to them. Mom corrected her and explained how I told her of my day and how great it was, and wow I felt good. Seeeee sister, you DON'T know me. You convinced me that I was as bad as you thought. In. your. face. I am still a real person, and you need to mind your own business. If you don't think I know your husband because I don't push myself to get to know him, maybe he could try sometime cause so far I'm always the one initiating conversation? And if you don't know me anymore, maybe you could ask me if you want to know. You have never known me. You've been living with your husband for almost 2 years, and spent a year on campus at university the year before that. You never cared how I was doing back then, why is it so important all of a sudden?

I need to get out of here.

One more thing about yesterday. On PBS, watching "walking the bible" or something like that with younger sis and dad. during one of the "we need your money" segments they had people on the street saying why they value pbs. sis commented how one man sounded like he had a frog in his throat. dad commented how he sounded "obviously gay". sis said why do you say that? dad says, in mock flamer voice, something that i cant even remember now because i was too disgusted.

its people like him that make my life hard. i sound gay, i look gay, so if i were any other person but his son, to him, i must be gay. No wonder I've had such a difficult time trying to understand who I am.

so dad, what if that man isn't gay? what if he's a better father/better husband/stronger christian than YOU? shut up and grow up.

thanks.

addendum:

This was a very negative entry the more and more I think about it. For the sister situation, she was right about most things, but not everything. She isn't me so she can't know exactly what I think, and she doesn't live here so she doesn't know exactly how I live.. She was close though, as can be proven by entries I've written in the past about the same subjects. Other points may sound harsh.. I'm not going to edit it though. If I was willing to type it, I'm willing to admit that I wanted to say it, at least when I wrote it.. and finally, I am taking what she said into consideration. I'm making myself more available / visible to my parents when I'm home, and trying to talk more when I'm around them.

Still need time.