watching, waiting

New design: Prodigal. If you use it, it may take a little getting used to. Also, I might widen the text area a bit to make things a slight bit easier to read. We'll see though.

I don't really know what to write anymore. I feel like I'm done telling whatever sort of story I wanted to tell. I have a better idea of who I am now, although in some ways that idea is even less clear than it was before... but it feels like it works. My task now is not to try and understand life and put everything in nice little boxes. Instead, as I've been mentioning more frequently lately, as well as various commenters, my task is to get up and start living. Even if I wanted to write about the daily occurences of my life like some other bloggers, I wouldn't be able to because there is so little of interest that goes on the the daily life of me.

Over the past few weeks I've considered more seriously writing fictional entries in my blog but not labelling them as such.. just to see if I could, and if they'd be believable... to pretend like I have experiences to share and stories to tell that aren't so monotonously repetative. No more mom said this, church said that, jesus said nothing... bleh.

Sometime. Maybe.

As much as I don't feel like writing about my current opinions on me and my interactions with the world, I'm going to. I am now comfortable with acknowledging that I do not intend on finding someone to share my life with. I'm not sure what it was in the past that consistently shifted my attention to wanting a man or a woman to create a home with, I suppose mainly it was outside influences and expectations and ... normal thinking.. It's just that I feel so right when I think about the future with me as the only character in it. I'd have a lot of good friends and all, but no family of my own, no husband/wife to come home to each night after work. Honestly though? I'm okay with it.

The whole desire to have a large family was more of a .. desire to desire rather than what I actually wanted. I love children, and offspring are great to use as cheap labour or to look after me when I've grown old and weary. The thing is, on top of what I said in the previous paragraph, I don't think I'll ever be ready to raise any of my own. Yes, yes, I know, there are so many parents who think the same thing and go on to build the most perfect family ever. And yes, I may be cutting myself short by saying I can't do it. But I know me.

Take note that I'm not drawing a line in the sand and saying never never never to the idea of finding someone. I'm saying that I don't plan on looking for someone, and whenever I find myself actually knowing God is near, it seems to me that His idea for my life is to keep it simple. I'll have myself, and I'll have God. Jesus will be my bride.

I often wonder about starting a sort of "worldy monastery" sometime in my future to create a home for others like me. It'd be a fairly odd home, but it would be a home nonetheless, full of love, laughter, and God. Then I remember that men will be men and such a place would inevitably fall into a state that may not be quite so heavenly after all... it's still something to think about, cause as difficult as it is for me to be around people, in general, I want to be able to help people in a very real way.. and what better way than to provide them with a home for this generation and into eternity?

Maybe I'm just nutty.

Hopefully not.