life evermore

A year ago today I was baptized in water to proclaim my faith and devotion to a life with and for God. The decision to finally step into such a commitment was not one I took lightly, considering I had been raised in a Christian family and accepted Christ as a young child. My parents raised us, my 3 sisters and I, to know and understand the significance and symbolism of baptism, and to ensure we were fully matured and committed to our faith before entering the water.

<< mighty is... | Main | traveling >> 11:57 PM by Rob

(a reminder to visit the photoblog for daily photoey goodness)

The reason I waited for about 18 years before being baptized was that I really wanted to make sure I would never have any desire to stray away from God in the future. I didn't want to publicly proclaim my faith only to change later on and turn my back on my earlier beliefs. As I began to know myself a little better, I finally realized that this was the very reason I needed to do it. I was ready, and waiting longer would only have left room to fall away from the church. I also felt that Easter Sunday would hold special significance, and remind me each year to reflect on the tasks I have ahead of me, and perhaps actions in the past that I need to learn from.

It was a great day. I was part of the worship/music extravaganza, which sounded fantastically amazing to the point of moving my visiting great aunt, who is quite conservative, to actually dance in worship and praise. When it was time for me to give some sort of brief (but they always end up lengthy) testimony, I had planned to tell my church about me. I didn't want to be too obvious, but I wanted to let the smarter ones know what I was saying, what I meant, and what I was doing about it. Except... more tears came from me than words. As soon as I lifted the mic, they began to flow in streams down my face. After an extended silence, the only words I could get out before my voice reverted to that shivering falsetto that emotional speech seems to be were "I'm just so happy.." I wish I could have said more.

A few days prior, I called up one of the older women who used to teach Sunday school in my early teen years. She was very much an inspiration to me then, and I knew she appreciated my attention and enthusiasm in a class where almost everyone else was completely uninterested. I've mentioned her before. She is the woman who was once married to a pastor. A pastor who eventually divorced her, claiming she turned him gay, leaving her on her own to raise their 3 children and piece together some sort of life for herself. I've always felt like I've had some sort of connection with her... whether she sees it or not, I'm not sure.. but I expect so.

Later on last summer, she handed me a gift with a card, saying it was to help mark my baptism and she hadn't been able to find the right gift until then. It was that book, Wild At Heart, that I believe I mentioned last fall. In the card she mentioned a verse that she often thinks of in relation to me, noting a few parts:

Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.
1 Chronicles 4:9,10

With this verse, which I recently found to be the prayer of Jabez, she said, "I wanted to encourage you to trust God to lead you into big dreams. There likely won't be any drastic changes, but a steady moving towards a goal. I hope that this book will spark some ideas and dreams. Pray and dream BIG" ...I think she understands me, even if not on the identity level that I try to understand me... or maybe on a greater level than I do. And I think her gift, the book, did encourage me, except I didn't let myself believe it. That was when I had just finished work, was starting at the new campus, taking courses I didn't really want to take, trying to let myself believe being gay might really work, and we know where it went from there.

So where have I come in the last year?

I'm nearly finished reading every word in the bible; expecting to read the last words in a couple months or so before starting again from the beginning. I made a lot of poor decisions regarding work, school, and my personal life, and I paid for those mistakes. I've felt completely lost... but have also felt deserving for that seeming abandonment, ie. "Fine, if you want to rule your life, go ahead. I'll watch. And I'll be here. Let me know when you're ready for me again." - says God.

And now I'm back on some sort of road that appears to be leading me somewhere good, like somewhere I was headed before. Life is working again, and I couldn't be more pleased about that. I'm also recognizing that I need to do more to keep my faith alive and growing. I go to church, sing and lead the congregation in worship, read my bible nightly, and recognize and appreciate the grace by which I'm saved... but it's something else entirely to continually admit to myself, and to God, that I need constant support and reassurance, and likewise that I need to open up and ask Him or others for that support and reassurance while fully trusting in Him and His will for my life, not relying on my own ideas.

I'll get there. I will. 'Cause this isn't really my life.... this is His life, in me, through me, and for me. For me.

For me!