walk home

One of my sisters moved away recently. She and her husband found a new home in the town he was raised in, over 2,500km east of here. We helped them pack up their apartment, load a trailer her husband and his brother would drive all the way back, and then see her off at the airport a few days later. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. When she was married, they tried different churches, and wanted some independence from the family. I didn't see her for months, and I got used to it. And I thought I knew what to expect after seeing her leave this time, but for some reason, I'm here, writing about it.

Their condo was a few minutes away from my university. Every now and then I would give her a call to see what she was up to, and maybe go over for the afternoon, or for dinner, or even stay the night if I had an early class. In the week since she's been gone, I've found myself wanting to call her up to watch a tv show together or just catch up a bit.. but she's not here. I feel like I'll be able to go see her new house in a week or two, once they've decided it's in a good enough shape for her family to see. Like it's a bit of a drive away into the valley.. not an 8hr plane ride across the country. I likely won't see her home for at least a year, if not more. Flying is expensive, and it's quite a drive from here to Ontario. Life will go on, and I won't be there to see it. And I know I won't be. I knew I wouldn't be. For some reason, it feels more real tonight.

I'm struggling with the desire to go to school again. I can see the benefit of it, and I know that a degree is almost a requirement these days, but I'm becoming impatient again. Graduation is still at least a year and a half away. That's a long time, given that I started my degree in 2002. It feels like I will never get there. I'll get close, and then the school will tell me there are a few more courses I needed, and then a few more, and then a few more after that. And at the same time, there's this level of responsibility I feel I owe my professors; a burden to succeed. Like if I slack for even one week, I will disappoint them. It's a very difficult feeling to deal with, because I can't be the A+ student all the time.. and I shouldn't have to be. But then why is it so hard for me? Some nights when I lay awake in bed, unable to get to sleep, I look back at my day and wonder what I did. If I put off homework, what was the reason? To check my myspace profile every 10 minutes? To wish someone on MSN would message me? I don't even know.

It would be neat to be able to work full time again. As much as I disliked my overall experience at EA, my memories of the time I spent there are mostly good ones. When I had evenings off, they were really evenings off. I could shut down my brain, and simply enjoy whatever it was I felt like enjoying. I want that again. I want to be able to buy my friends, or my family members dinner sometimes without worrying about using up my student loans. The Saturdays when I went in to work over the summer were some of the best days I'll remember. Walking into the office, the summer sun making its way through the trees and onto the courtyard, reflecting into the building, making shadows on the unlit ceilings. A few coworkers would arrive, cheerful and comfortable in their shorts and sandals, and we would work, enjoying the relatively abandoned space. We'd shoot elastic bands at each other, or turn up the volume on the speakers rather than be confined to a set of headphones. We'd make footrests of the chairs our absent teammates used during the week, and joke about everything, really. When lunch came around, we'd vote and make lists of the food to order in, and enjoy a good meal together, even if it was soggy fries and a cold sandwich from Boston Pizza.

I miss it. I miss her. I miss every part of life I have yet to enjoy.. ...and I miss enjoying life.

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