February 24, 2008
hide and seek
It's lonely out here in this world. Look out the window, and there are people everywhere. Some in groups, some solo, talking, walking, smiling, laughing, holding hands, listening to music, checking out the sights, making a call, shooting a photo, carrying some bags, pushing a stroller. I sit in my aquarium watching them go by. Ambient dreamscapes leak through my speakers and fill the room, bouncing off wall and floor. The sun sets, reflected off the glass towers surrounding me. I turn it up, hoping to drown out emotion. Trying to overwhelm my mind into a state of complacency. Sitting on the edge of my recently acquired bed, eyes glazed over, powerbook on my lap, cell phone at my side, I throw my head back, I close my eyes, and I let it go. I let him go.
<< time & space | Main | unconsidered >> 05:56 PM by RobWe're two busy people. The schedules are completely opposite for the most part. And he has a problem with communication. Namely, as his friend pointed out after my concern reached a level that prompted me to ask her about it, his busyness leads to forgetfulness. He can forget to return phone calls or text messages for a week at a time, afterwards realizing that he hadn't heard from certain people over that time, and feeling as though they're annoyed at him due to their lack of regular communication. I can't do that. I can't be the person always needing to make sure he remembers he has a boyfriend. Do I need to write a sign to put up on his door? Give him a new picture for his phone menu screen saying, "call robert, he misses you?"
He's young. He has things to learn. He's sexy, smart, affectionate, and ambitious. I love him, but he's not right for me. And that saddens me, because 2.5 months is hardly long enough to get to know someone - although I stopped getting to know him after the first few weeks, when any conversation became insubstantial and ordinary, given the few times we've been able to see each other without the presence of other company.
The tips of the clouds are beginning to burn a deep, vibrant, pink; greyish-blue filling the gaps in between. The setting sun is putting on an extravagant show to the southwest, and I'm left to view the remains scattered to the east.
A car rolls by, headlights beginning to illuminate the pavement below. The music fades. And with it, my heart.
****
It's okay. Really, you're still young too. Even if you think you're ready for settling, once you get into the situation, it's a whole new world. Don't let it get you down. Date around, meet LOTS of people. Work on your life right now, you have tons of time for love. And when you're not expecting it, it'll show up out of no where. Are we still on for a coast-to-coast tour of Canadia?
Posted by: fprints at February 24, 2008 07:02 PMI'm glad you finally got the bed sorted out. I'm sorry that [he] is in the place that he is in, and I am glad that you recognize where you are too. That is progress in my book. I hear a little concern, wisdom and compassion in your writing, all useful and necessary. We all grow up, sometimes we grow past people, we wish were at the same stage of growth that we are in, alas, everything is not as it seems... And there are no coincidences...
Keep writing, and remember you have a friend out here.
Jeremy
Posted by: jeremy at February 25, 2008 08:18 PMaww, sorry it didn't work out. not really surprised, but it's still sad. hope you're not doing too bad.
at least you've managed to get a bed. now a drop in school work so you could actually use the bed would be nice..
Posted by: scholiast at February 25, 2008 11:04 PMMake no mistake. He [your ex/boy] doesn't need sympathy and shouldn't be bashed simply because of his business/forgetfulness/neglect...it works for some people. Watching the sun set (metaphorically or otherwise) can be one of the hardest things...something so beautiful and encompassing, warm, colorful, and comforting is dropping below the horizon. You hear the music fade and feel the energy ebb...gone. Enjoy the silent still night brings. Now watch the moon rise, and experience the glory therein. The sun will rise yet again. Cycles will go on. It's not fun, but you certainly have the right approach. Recognizing it is hardest part, but you've done that. You know you have a connection, but it takes more than that as you can see. You're at different places and have different needs to be filled, so although it is sad, you can walk away with your dignity, another notch on the bed post (presumptuous or not??), and another *life experience* that'll help you newly single as well as into the rest of your life . Pour a martini and take an Rx painkiller ala Karen Walker: "Coulda, shoulda, Prada." Somehow I think you already aren't living in the regrets. If nothing else, dude, at least you have a real bed now situated...Marco...
Posted by: JAX at February 27, 2008 04:48 PMHead up. There will be more love and more break ups. They are all good and all teach you something about yourself and about others.
I'm glad you're officially dating men now. :)
Posted by: Aaron at February 28, 2008 07:56 PM