ma fleur

I don't have the time to be writing this. In fact, I'm skipping classes today just to find time to meet the deadlines fast approaching in my other classes this week. I'm also back in Delta. Parents off for a week of relaxation, younger sis (21ys/o) requested company out here because she's not comfortable coming home after her classes to a dark, empty house. I'll stay a few nights, and try to enjoy the comforts of a real mattress if I have time to sleep. But even when I manage to get school thoughts out of my mind, I still can't rest.

What is it with the human mind? ie. Why do so many find it difficult to be content with no outside help? ie. Why do I have to feel uncomfortable being happy with the view of reality I was born with? ie. Why drugs. Why alcohol. Why do I have problems with them? I'm a self-professed sober non-alcoholic. Meaning, I've tried the stuff a few times, been drunk twice, and decided it wasn't for me. Never had the desire to smoke or test-drive the other options out there either. I have my reasons, which used to be based on the opinions of my parents, then onto issues of monetary cost and driving restrictions, but now that I have virtually nothing limiting me, I've grown to detest it all the more. I don't want to see it, I don't want to smell it, I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to socialize with others who are presently affected by it.

Last month, my eldest sis turned 30 on the same day as younger sis' boyfriend turned 25. They were going to have a double birthday with the fellow siblings at a good old fashioned country karaoke bar across the border near his town. They weren't going to be drinking, but I had no interest in going. My discomfort would have far outweighed any opportunity for happy thoughts of either of the birthday persons, for whenever they would have looked at me, they would have just seen a completely out of place and un-enthused individual. It's not that the drinks themselves bug me, nor even the consumption of drinks by surrounding patrons. It's knowing that said patrons are consuming said drinks for a reason. Maybe it's taste, maybe it's the relaxing effects, maybe it's a way to escape life for a bit, maybe it's a combination of all the above.

I like water. I rarely drink anything other than juice or water. I'm fine with the range of non-alcoholic drinks, if you prefer pop over water, don't worry, no judgement from my end. But with alcohol, there is an expected effect on the body. Even if someone is just consuming it for the taste, he or she expects that it will provide a bit of a buzz if nothing more. Does he or she need that buzz? If not, then why bother drinking it at all? The birthday was held at sis' place with pizza and a hot tub instead.

Alcohol somewhat out of the way lately, (aside from when he told a friend that I don't drink, after being invited on a birthday pub crawl, and the reaction from the friend was of stunned confusion), the current issue is cigarettes and pot. Get. It. Away. From. Me. I thought I was free of that stuff after high school ended, but alas, it has crept back in through the lives of those around me. I expressed my dislike for said substances when they first surfaced, but somehow their appearance, in talk or in physical realization, has become more regular and I'm quickly growing even more intolerant of them.

What is a man to do? I've joked before that I need to make some AA friends because such issues wouldn't come up, but never having had a substance abuse problem of my own, would I even be accepted?

Sigh. It's rainy, I need a bed, we never have alone time, this headache is bugging me, I need time to buy food, there are too many projects, presentations, and assignments due this week, I'll have to cancel valentines plans to stay on campus for the usual 18 hours; I'm worn out..