strawberry oeufs

When I walk, I often walk very quietly. It's not fully on purpose - likely the result of my slim stature, proper foot placements before taking the next step, and quiet clothing. However at times I find this can create potentially uncomfortable situations for people. For example, I have found that quite regularly, when walking in public, I'll intentionally drag a few steps when I'm getting close to overtaking someone on the sidewalk. I also walk very fast. If they attempt to walk faster to escape the odd shadow behind them (ie. me) that just doesn't work cause I'll simply increase the stride... and add a few more foot slurs until they hear me and move to the side. Is this odd? Mom says I need a bell (ie. a cat, or i suppose cow) so I don't startle her at home. Am I the only one who thinks this much about the sounds of walking?

guardian angel

I stepped out of the elevator and through the door into P4. Ahead, the Escape, loaded with belongings that had sustained me over the past 3 months. Behind, the life I quickly grew to love. Though my heart fully disagreed, money and time required that it come to an end. My original plan was to load the car and enjoy a quiet dinner alone, to be followed by a walk to English Bay to soak up my final downtown sunset. Luckily the clouds didn't seem to agree, and a dinner invitation was given by roomie and his boy. At the time, I knew this to be a better plan, so we hit one of the local Yaletown eateries and enjoyed each other's company and conversation. By 9pm it was obvious the sun decided to silently make its exit below the horizon.

unconsidered

Surely it is one of the many miracles of this fine area of the world. The day can be dreary and wet; air so moist, the landscape receding into a grey fog, layer by layer. As clouds begin to darken, anticipating the evening, a small separation forms over the water. This sliver, its pale peach flesh visible in the distance, taunts us with the beautiful skies outside our reach. And then a line is drawn across the city, darkness turning into brilliant, horizontal light. The sun has descended between the clouds, casting out a deep, golden energy. Buildings ignite as their reflections burn with the rich, saturated glow. The light, so warm and penetrating, overwrites our memory of the cold blue storms to the east.

time & space

I don't know what to write anymore. It sorta bugs me. I could tell short, random stories, but they wouldn't make any sense when put together. For instance, I attended a once-a-month praise and worship service at one of the old downtown churches this past sunday with a couple friends. It's a progressive, inclusive service held on the 3rd sunday of the month. We sing a bunch of songs, letting our voices echo through the cathedral, and spend a few minutes reflecting on a short meditative word from the worship leader. It was refreshing, and I was pleased to have doubled my church points for the week, having been on worship team duty at the home church that morning.

ma fleur

I don't have the time to be writing this. In fact, I'm skipping classes today just to find time to meet the deadlines fast approaching in my other classes this week. I'm also back in Delta. Parents off for a week of relaxation, younger sis (21ys/o) requested company out here because she's not comfortable coming home after her classes to a dark, empty house. I'll stay a few nights, and try to enjoy the comforts of a real mattress if I have time to sleep. But even when I manage to get school thoughts out of my mind, I still can't rest.

lunar

I've written before about my love of the weather, and of nature, and the environment. My obsession with clouds and colours. Tonight we have a nearly full moon that is so exceptionally bright, it puts the streetlights to shame. Before stepping out onto the deck, I fully expected my feet to sink into what seemed to be a layer of ice or white film, but turned out to be no less than the light of the moon. Amazingly crisp, after what seemed to be weeks and weeks of rain, slush, snow, and cloudy skies. But not tonight. Tonight is pure, clean, infinite space, littered with stars and the mirrors of the heavens. And I am grateful.

jupiter

Of all the sounds in the world, there are none that bring me as much comfort as a strong windstorm through the cedars at home. I'm sure I've written about it before - lying in my bed as a child, listening to the branches sweeping and swaying. Often, the wind is so powerful I wake up and find the street littered with needles or limbs or full branches. Mom reminds me the entire area used to be a forest before they began building. Our home was the 2nd in the area, next to the show home. I guess they decided it would be a selling feature to keep some of the monster trees in the backyard. The sort with trunks that last 60 or 70ft before the branches even begin. The sort that may have been beautiful in a thick forest, but aren't so splendid when they're more alone... it seems at least one somewhere in the neighbourhood goes down every year, sometimes via chainsaw, sometimes via the wind. When the latter happens, it ain't so much fun.

resolution

The dark winter sky beyond the clouds begins to burn a deep shade of blue. Patches of snow reflect the increasing light as if each crystal was itself illuminated. Farms and fields sit still, covered in a soft layer of frost, waiting patiently. The lines bounce off the hood, one, then another, then another, in an eternal flashing pattern. My seat rumbles and sways with the texture below as the wind plays its lullaby. Perhaps, not so different from what my parents will soon enjoy on their flight to visit the prairie relatives as I return home to put myself to sleep. It is this day I have witnessed. This new year I have birthed. In pleasant company I did lay 2007 to rest, and in perfect solitude I welcomed 2008. It will be a good one, to be sure.

floating swiftly

If you happened to visit my blog in the past week or so, you would have likely been greeted with a somewhat obscure message. My host was migrating servers and I was unable to post to the blog like I normally would. However, I'd already written what I wanted to say, so I opted for a confusingly simple white page of continuous text. It accurately represented how I was feeling at the moment, so really, it was a good error on my host's part.

As far as I can remember, I wrote it around 2am on dec. 23rd, after laying in bed for hours, unable to sleep. It was a rough holiday season this year, and when it later began snowing on Christmas morning, and the snow began to stick in the afternoon, I was a full on Scrooge. But I eventually got over it. It was just different.. and that seems to match how most of my friends experienced the holiday this year.

faust arp

How much information is too much information? In my absence I've been thinking of things to share on here, but, as you can see, I couldn't think of much. A lame rant about a school project doesn't really fill the void. Tonight, while chatting with Scholiast, I was able to clarify a few things. First off, I'm changing. Well, yeah, everyone is changing all the time, so that shouldn't be any different. However, in this case I think I'm changing into the sort of person I would never have thought I'd be 5 years ago.

sober

I am going to write. I'm not going to save a draft first, I'm not even going to proofread it or fix any spelling mistakes. I'm just going to write. And so that is what I do. And that is what you read. Read on.

the block

As I continue working on my narrative piece (I think I might just be lazy and hand it in as a short story in some sort of neat physical form), I find it interesting that it's almost more personal to write fiction than to write about real people and events in my life. Does that make sense to anyone else? Or am I just backwards?

condensation

For the record, I heart autumn. I heart it lots. The way the dew, and later, frost, awakens the senses upon stepping outside in the morning. The way the trees suddenly begin to burn with colour, from the inside out. The leaves, coating the lawns, sidewalks, streets, and every other surface, make for a supremely satisfying crunch when dry underfoot, or a soft, organic carpet after days of rain. And don't even get me started on the sky. My good friends know deep down, I'm really a cloudusexual.

bridge

And so life has become real for the first time,' he said to himself as he turned onto the road home. The mountains standing in the distance stood strong in agreement while the setting summer sun painted fields and cotton trees and antique farm houses with the warmest glow he'd seen in many, many years. 'Surely this is a moment to remember,' his mind continued, 'A moment that will change the future if you give it the freedom to do so. The freedom not to fear defeat or failure or time itself. To create a future full of stories, memories, friendships, and knowledge to learn from, and to share with those around you.

passenger seat

Here's my new plan: I'm going to revert back to the original, "don't ask, don't tell" approach with my family. You have all learned by now that my younger sister and I have had a few talks about the contents of this blog, and their impact on our lives, and she has become one of it's readers. How regular of a reader? Perhaps we'll soon see, if she responds to the new rboLife plan v3.0.

the machine

I think it's time for another break from university. It would appear that 2 years at a time is as much as I can handle, but maybe I'll stay away for more than a year this time... I'll need to switch to one of the new degrees, as the one I've been working so hard on will be erased from memory soon.. but I think that decision is one that will benefit my sanity in the end.. and my sanity seems to be something that I haven't been taking very good care of lately.

complementary

Why did I assume identities were singular before? I mentioned the thought that two people could grow so different over time that they would no longer know each other. That may be true, but at the same time, wouldn't it also be true that the two people could form one shared identity, and each party would define him or herself in the other? It seems to make sense to me. Even more so when those two parts are torn from each other. When the members suddenly find themselves deprived of a sense of self. They become lost to their own being.

ballet slipper

The earth shifted a little last night, and I felt it. I stayed up for a few hours after writing the previous entry to finish reading a book I started Tuesday evening. "The Lovely Bones," it was called. The story resolved, the programming assignment left untouched, I turned off the light and put myself to bed.

the inbetween

How many identities do people possess throughout their lives? This is a question I suddenly found myself contemplating the answer to over the past days and weeks. I'm not sure what prompted it exactly, although I suspect it had something to do with the accumulating stresses at school, and the photograph-sorting project my mother has been working on for the past few days. It likely also has something to do with my eagerness to pursue roles of leadership as of late, which was always a challenge that was far too frightening in the past.

walk home

One of my sisters moved away recently. She and her husband found a new home in the town he was raised in, over 2,500km east of here. We helped them pack up their apartment, load a trailer her husband and his brother would drive all the way back, and then see her off at the airport a few days later. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. When she was married, they tried different churches, and wanted some independence from the family. I didn't see her for months, and I got used to it. And I thought I knew what to expect after seeing her leave this time, but for some reason, I'm here, writing about it.

life evermore

A year ago today I was baptized in water to proclaim my faith and devotion to a life with and for God. The decision to finally step into such a commitment was not one I took lightly, considering I had been raised in a Christian family and accepted Christ as a young child. My parents raised us, my 3 sisters and I, to know and understand the significance and symbolism of baptism, and to ensure we were fully matured and committed to our faith before entering the water.

watching, waiting

New design: Prodigal. If you use it, it may take a little getting used to. Also, I might widen the text area a bit to make things a slight bit easier to read. We'll see though.

I don't really know what to write anymore. I feel like I'm done telling whatever sort of story I wanted to tell. I have a better idea of who I am now, although in some ways that idea is even less clear than it was before... but it feels like it works. My task now is not to try and understand life and put everything in nice little boxes. Instead, as I've been mentioning more frequently lately, as well as various commenters, my task is to get up and start living. Even if I wanted to write about the daily occurences of my life like some other bloggers, I wouldn't be able to because there is so little of interest that goes on the the daily life of me.

vocea

Let me back in. Let me return. To where I'm me. Just me, and the closeness of myself. In the womb, the closet, the crawl space, the parting between the shrubs, the forts made of sheets and dining chairs, the hockey bag, sleeping bags, hide and seek - you won't find me. Hidden away in the comfort formed by the absence of space. I like it. No need to grow up, worry, talk, be someone. Where all that is, exists within arms reach, and the world doesn't extend past the boundary of darkness and light. Where I breathe in, breathe out, heart beats, ears tune to the ringing of silence. Where the past is the present and the future does not exist. Where I am alone, I am me, and I know who I am.

the wings

I feel very different. I've tried over the past few days to form some sort of concrete thought to describe it. I've been unable to. The closest I can come is that the world feels very real to me... or maybe less real. And I feel as though I'm missing something. I don't know if it's something I ever had in the first place, or even if it is a thing at all.. maybe I'm missing memories, or the past in general? Or maybe I'm missing a future I haven't yet experienced? Either way, something seems off and I wish I knew what it was so I could start seeing what I could do to fix it.

power out

I miss work. I miss riding the bus through the early morning sunshine, hiking up the hill to the office, to be met by a warm gust of wind in the face and a beautiful view of the surrounding city, before walking in the door, greeting the security guards, and feeling content and happy when I said good morning to my friends and coworkers. Even though the last few months I spent much of the work day listening to music, I was still around great people, and could through out a joke now and then to liven our spirits. It was so nice.

opportunity

This is interesting. Over the past few days I’ve begun to see my perspective shift. I don’t see it as a bad shift; it’s more likely something that will help put my mind to ease. You see, in my mind, a heterosexual relationship was the only human relationship that seemed to have any depth to it. Whenever I thought about me with a woman, verses me with a man, the imagined life with a woman appeared appeared absolutely limitless... like there would be such a level of.. tangible fullness. I don’t know if it was in part because of the potential for natural child bearing, or a mixture of everything all piled together. The thing is.. now I don’t see much of a difference.

incubation

So this girl, let us call her Mary, lives quite a few hundred miles away. She calls Denver, CO her home. That fact alone should make any sort of possible future together a little bit tricky, even if it is just a friendship. However I'm pretty sure nothing will come of it anyway... she was more of a reminder than a possibility... reminding me that maybe there is still a female someone out there.

My mom is helping/planning a new valentines dinner that the church wants to hold this year. She's already figured out that I will be going, and I will ask one of younger sis' friends to accompany me. I've never met the girl, but from what I've heard and seen, she seems like a nice young lady. I'm no good at things like that though... asking someone to dinner, even if it is a group affair. 'Cause you know, me not having any experience with such a thing, especially with the opposite sex, and then feeling like a deceitful person by the chance that I could come across as something I'm not.

homeward bound

We’re finally home. Well, we’ve been home for a little over 24 hours, but I was too tired/busy last night and this morning to write anything. Even now my mind is still working away at I don’t know what, making any sort of creative thinking somewhat difficult. All that means is I need to write to get back into my routine otherwise I’ll take an extended break like last year at this time.

The trip was wonderful. We drove down to Seattle where we stayed for the first night. The next day we drove through to Idaho, and stayed there for the night. The next night we stayed in a small town in Montana, after discovering that Canada was "closed" by the time we got to the border.. despite some perceived helpful advice from a little old lady in Idaho.

god so loved

I don't know whether it was a dream or simply a period of imagining, but a few days ago I suddenly felt like what I'm going through is a stage that many other people experience. It seemed like the understanding of sexuality, the world, and spirituality is required to come to a crossroads in order for the individual to gain some sort of unfathomable knowledge of life... Like (speaking for males) my father, my uncles, their fathers, etc. have all experienced times of sexual confusion and same sex attraction, but mostly found that it was not their true nature to pursue any options that would correspond to being gay. Like it was a great examination where there is only one right answer, and that answer is God, and for them, that meant personal attractions did not matter... God and His plan were the only concepts of worth, and His plan, when investigated and fully understood, was man plus woman equals family equals the meaning of life.

silent solitude

It snowed a few days ago, and we received another cm or so today.. with the possibility of a few more over the next few days before rain comes. The first night I enjoyed it. I was filled, as one often is during the first snowfall of the season, with wonder and excitement like a younger me may have felt years ago. As the days passed, the snow became another hazard which disrupted the usual flow of things. Tonight, looking out the window at the newly dusted trees in the backyard, I realized how much I've grown up inside... I didn't yearn to pull on my snow suit and run and play in the frozen fun.

home café

I suppose I could write a little more about the previous two entries. I finished A Home at the End of the World yesterday, and it turned out to be quite an engrossing read. I’ve mentioned before that I’d often thought about the possibility of creating a family based on not 2, but 3 individuals, and I wondered how perfect it would be if it actually worked. This idea was the central premise of the novel, which is why I was so looking forward to reading it. And I read it quickly. As I feared, I was finished only a few days after starting, and was forced to return to my world. The only difference was now I had a taste of someone else’s.

** update - It's time for winter, so I've redesigned. For those who may be curious, the banner photo was taken by my grandmother a couple years ago in a park a few blocks away from her home in Saskatchewan. **

better together: unless x

After everything I’ve written, and everything I think about or consider, I always get stuck on one main concept: definitions or labels. I know who I am, and I know who I’m not, but society tells me I need to conform to one group or another in order to be real. Society says I’m not a real person unless there are people I can relate to. Bring in gay vs. God, and I have a problem.

opination

I just realized something. As I was (and am still) reading the latest issue of cbcradio3, the 100th issue, in which 100 issues are raised by 100 people, I noticed I was becoming quite annoyed by what I was reading. Most of the issues, and the citizens who presented them, were highly biased, opinionated, and uneducated. It’s not as though cbcradio3 has been devoid of strong opinion in the past so that should be nothing of a surprise. The surprise came when I realized something I’ve known for a while now. I don’t like having an opinion.

goldenly retrieved

The world is a cold and lonely place.

And so is my back yard. I haven't gone out there yet; too scared. The entire area is held in a constant state of suspension where it seems no movement is ever to be found again. It's as if the view outside the doors and windows has been painted over with that which is familiar, while lacking the central force and energy that once brought it to life

someone to tell

It's almost a week since I posted last. During this span, few things happened worthy of taking the time to sit down and write. Well there are a couple; My mom's favorite tree seems to have broken the water line bringing clean water to the house, and slowly flooding the front yard and killing the tree at the same time. Secondly, if anyone recalls the kitchen makeover we've been doing since spring (won contest), progress has been made on the upper deck, and hardwood flooring and a couple doors were purchased on Saturday. Plus, I found Ari Hest on aaron's blog. However, in regard to personal matters, I'm finding more and more that my will to write anything has greatly decreased since I began this new employment venture. One of my most frequently concluded reasons for this is my lack of time and mental energy to let my mind think.

take it all away

For my very first weekend in the traditional definition (no assignments due friday, saturday, sunday nights,) I went downtown, walked from one side to the other and around a bit more, met up with a friend to eat and then watched a movie. What movie you ask? The worst movie ever, otherwise known as team america: world police. If you have any maturity or real sense of humour, there's no need to see this one. If you are easily entertained by your own reflection in some dirty silverware, it was made just for you. I want those brain cells back.

shadow waltz

I'm not doing well today. It could be because I'm still drained from the nonstop projecting the last half of last week, and the seemingly wasted day I had yesterday after class. Most likely, I'm back to wanting to get away from this school. It's different this time, however. It's not just the usual "i'm tired of computers and teamwork and want to learn about brains," it's just... different.

futura

Looking at my archives, I haven't really posted anything to think about recently. I attribute this to my lack of thinking about things as a whole. It's different, and it's nice. Letting the future come to you instead of trying to get there by your own power. I haven't seriously considered the discussion I was so into as little as a couple weeks ago - the discussion, of course, about homosexuality and all that. Am I allowed to say that I just don't let it take any deep hold in my mind anymore?

jelly

Today I watched Garden State. I enjoyed it very much. I shall purchase it when it is released. Very simply, it was just a beautifully refreshing movie. It reminds me of that which I wish I could create... Meaning I often see myself directing and distributing a film of my own, which would no doubt end up similar to this one. I'll most likely never make it. I can't realistically see a set of actors living up to the standards I would set for them, or real locations perfect enough to hold scenes, and the list goes on.

It was very good though - I do recommend it to those of you who haven't seen it. It also made me think about something that I've written on here before (well, many somethings actually)

realization

As I went to sleep last night, I realized something about this blog. It is on the way to becoming another source to vent and complain: Exactly what I didn't want it to be. I had other blogs before, but I ditched them in order to start new and fresh and actually write decent, thoughtful posts. I may have had some on here, but I don't know just how many. I suppose it would help if I had things to write about... I don't like writing about politics or overly debatable subjects because I want to be as neutral as possible.

happy family

I feel weird for even going as far as writing this on here, but I'm just curious to know whether or not anyone could relate on any level to the following:

At times I wonder what it would be like to have both a husband and a wife, and if such a thing could ever be a possibility.

hundred mile

We arrived home from 100 mile house at around 3am (went for cous' wedding, and then detoured to see an aunt and uncle who had totalled their van in an accident outisde of kamloops - both are doing relatively fine for those wondering). Apart from driving in it, I love the BC landscape. If I could marry a province, this would be it. It's just so diverse - the dense forests and mountain lakes, the broad, grassy planes and windswept hills, the frozen glacial pathways further north, British Columbia is "the best place on earth."

The wedding was amazing. My cousin and his bride make the most adorable couple I know, and their love for eachother is immense and immediately noticeable. I felt blessed just being there. That feeling would turn into despair as the weekend went on and I realized that I would probably never be able to experience such an event in my life.

communication card

I had a startling feeling last night while attempting to fall asleep: The world as it was seemed nothing but a front to something much greater than I could fathom. the physical visualizations around me felt entirely intangible. It was quite a matrix moment, and I didn't totally understand it. It felt like a severe depression had at last won the battle in my mind and was beginning to affect my other senses. I was simply and completely alone in the decaying mirage surrounding me.